alive and mortal

Upcoming Expressive Arts Workshops

2012-02-08T19:28:00.000-08:00

I an honored to facilitate 2 expressive arts workshops in March, 2012 for The Cancer Support Community. CSC is an international non-profit dedicated to providing support, education and hope to people affected by cancer.

These expressive arts workshops are free to the CVC community - if you are in southern California and have been affected by cancer, you are eligible... contact me for more details.I will post more here in a few days.Love,Kim

Separation Anxiety and the Grief Process

2012-01-24T16:48:00.000-08:00

An adult's grief over the loss of a loved one may be radically compounded by "separation anxiety" when a current loss exposes anew an old, old, old wound.

I am very compassionate toward people with multiple losses - and I am NOT a psychologist nor a psychiatrist, so please read me as a peer. I have been thinking long and hard about certain grievers within a sample of people that have all experienced losses due to violence or severe trauma.

I speak of it only because sometimes it is of benefit to name your enemy.

For some of these people, the name of their enemy is not "grief." The enemy's name is "separation anxiety."

Separation anxiety may absolutely cripple a person who otherwise joins the rest of humanity in this painful grief process when a loved one dies. It is a wound of childhood that can become like a thorny briar patch in grief.

The messages that accompany separation anxiety may torture a grieving person and keep them in a mire.The results of this old condition that was partly or fully avoided also may become mixed and confused with grief in such a way that the person - and those who care for them - may not recognize the problem for what it is.

In grief, one may experience a trait of anxiety. But grief coupled with separation anxiety may result in the "trait" becoming a full-blown "state" of anxiety.

A trait of anxiety could appear as the following:

Alternating being with people and being alone (not wanting to be with people and not wanting to be alone)
Being afraid to eat out alone in the beginning
Worrying over bills that you are not accustom to dealing with
Occasional insomnia over sleeping alone
Occasionally being pulled by the trauma of the circumstances of the death
Concern about your future well-being

A state of anxiety could appear as the following

So afraid to eat out alone that you withdraw
Fear over bills and hiding/ignoring them for months or years
Daily insomnia over sleeping alone
Frequently replaying the trauma of the circumstances of the death
Abject fear about your future well-being
Always wanting to being alone but finding acute pain in the alone-ness

For the person without separation anxiety, levels of resilience are available to them in time, when they need it, to keep them afloat.

The person with separation anxiety may find no resilience and sink fast and furious. Negative thoughts may be frequently intrusive for them, a profound sense of futility overcomes them.

"I blame myself." "I am somehow at fault." " I am not worthy of companionship." "My unworthy nature has caught up with me."

This kind of situation needs expert psychological support. Normal grief support groups and peer support are not enough to help a person struggling with separation anxiety and grief to improve or even sustain themselves. They can mix attending grief groups and working with a therapist to good effect.

Whatever unresolved problems we have had will become blistered by grief. I would like to encourage people to take excellent care of themselves. If you ask yourself about your grief, you can begin to sort the grain from the staff and see where the old pain is needling you and begging you for assistance.

Be well.

Love,
Kim

The Peace of Wild Things

2012-01-22T19:53:00.001-08:00

“The Peace of Wild Things” on Prezi

Love Sorrow, a poem by Mary Oliver

2012-01-21T19:15:00.001-08:00

Love Sorrow on Prezi

Love,
Kim

2012-01-18T02:23:00.000-08:00

Love,
Kim

Grounding throughout Impermanence

2012-01-14T10:40:00.000-08:00

One of the subjects that I cycle back to repeatedly is that of impermanence.

It is this reality that, though neglected and resisted, will provide understanding, clarity and insight.

But, then, the "boat" may feel very tippy. I do not want to introduce more turbulent, disorientating, depressing or confusing feelings on top of what you are already experiencing. So, where is the stability? Where is the anchor? How can we ground ourselves?

There is a place for ritual and intentional imagination that provides a predictable, meaningful, mood stabilizing, brainbuilding,and above all - centering - result.

Rituals for Grief

WHY USE RITUAL?

A number of studies indicate that the brain finds predictability comforting and is averse to the new, creative, and unpredictable. It appears that if we can't have the familiarity and predictability we crave, we can create it ourselves, thanks to rituals.

Rituals can be complex or simple. Since we are discussing ritual for grieving people, my suggestion is to have simple rituals that contain you and do not require much from you.

Here are some suggested beginning rituals for the grieving:

Daily Observation - Spend three to five minutes doing slow,focused and carefulobservation of your surroundings. If you can chose a lovely and/or complex environment, that is all the better to immerse yourself in.

Daily Tea - Prepare, with intention, a cup of herbal tea. Do this slowly. Select a cup with intention, touch the cup and feel it's surface. Select tea and take great care and attention in preparing the tea (even if it is in a tea bag)... smell the odor of the dry tea. Listen to the sound of the water as it pours into the kettle or pot, place your hand 10 inches from the heat source and feel the heat building (careful not to get too close!). Do not do anything but wait and listen and watch as the water slowly gets to a boiling point. Watch the steam. You get the general idea - it is to make tea for yourself as a very slow and intentional act of nurture and being fully present to the process.

Thankful Ritual - Gather together a couple symbols that represent an ending - such as rings, photos, keys, glasses - anything of your choosing that is symbolic. Hold each item in your hand and note its significance to your wisdom. Say something of gratitude for all the lessons you have learned. Wrap all these remembrances of things past in a cloth together. Keep this wrapped package in a prominent place as an affirmation of wisdom and protection of your emerging self. Whenever you view the wrapped cloth parcel, thank the items again. Keep the parcel out as long as you desire.

Imagination for Grief

WHY USE IMAGINATION?

Dr. Alvaro Pascual-Leone, a scientist at the NationalInstituteof Health, studied the brain. He used the piano as an interface to measure human brain activity.

Having people practice five finger piano exercises, he found that the brain'smotormaps of the hand more than tripled for those who did goal orientedpracticeon the piano.

Those who spent the same time just hitting keys randomly with no structure showedlittleor no brain effects.

The most surprising effect - a third groupwho practiced five finger piano exercises by imagination.

"They . . . rehearsementally -- not manually -- while looking at the key board. After fivedays the brains of these people were identical to those who hadmanuallypracticed . . .

The same cell networks involved in executing a task arealso involved in imagining it."

Here are some suggested intentional imagination exercises for the grieving:

Special Surroundings - Select a favorite place. It could be a garden, a waterfall, a room, or anything else. A place where you feel content and safe. Close your eyes and imagine yourself in that favorite place. Walk around slowly and notice the colors and textures around you. Focus on sight, feeling, hearing and smelling.Spend some time exploring each of your senses. And notice how good and relaxed you feel. When you are ready, gently open your eyes and come back to the present moment.

A Moment Together - Recall a very happy moment you shared with the departed. Do not allow anything to rob you of the sheer pleasure of this memory. Close your eyes and imagine yourself with them and recall all that transpired. Notice the sounds, sights, colors and textures around you. Spend some time exploring each of your senses as you recall what happened and if you forget how something transpired - do not worry. This is about nurturing your memory and more will come back to you the more you pause to exercise your memories. When you are ready, gently open your eyes and come back to the present moment.

Address Stress - Imagine an object, sound or color that represents stress to you. For example, you may choose to imagine the color red, or a rope with knots or a loud startling noise. When you select your image, sound or color, then you take a deep belly breath and hold it for 1 count and then slowly release the breath out of your mouth. Imagine your image slowly transforming into something calming. The color red can slowly fade into a nice soft and gentle color pink. The rope with knots can slowly transform into a smooth and soft silk or velvet fabric. And the loud noise can gradually transform into a soothing sound of ocean waves. Let your muscles relax. If the stress reforms, do not be distressed by the suborn nature of stress but notice it and repeat the above. When you are ready, gently open your eyes and come back to the present moment. If you continue this practice you will eventually have more calm states available to you.

These tried and true techniques may assist you if balancing yourself with the impermance you encounter.

Love,

Kim

New Programs in the Los Angeles Area

2012-01-12T09:29:00.001-08:00

I am negotiating upcoming expressive arts workshops for grieving people at Adult Bereavement Group at Long Beach Memorial Medical Center and The Cancer Support Community in the Los Angeles area. Stay tuned!
Love,
Kim

20 Favorite Blog Posts of 2011

2012-01-03T04:55:00.000-08:00

I find it hard to select a few favorite blog posts of 2011, I DO NOT WANT TO LEAVE ANYTHING OUT!

(I said that I would do 20, and I will, I just need to come back to this after work!)

However, I would like to give a shout out to these particular 2011 blog posts because they stayed with me... I suspect that this is an indication of how well written and/or unique they were in examining the journey from a particular or insightful angle.

If you do not have a lot of time to read, this is a vetted list of some really wonderful blogging moments with grief. Kleenex box should be strategically placed.

So, here is my list, in no particular order:

Aging, Plutonium and Beauty
21 Years
A Valentine's Letter to my Sons

Phenomenon

Daddy Taught Me

Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow

Ghost Bikes
Continuing our Love Story and Greg's Legacy

Painting Our Toes
Past

Music Monday - Swan Song

A Son's Perspective

Gavin's 9/11 Drawing

Lent and Spring and Seasons

Waiting is the Hardest Part

Defending Roger

Counting to Three - Nearly a Year

I may add to this list if more occurs to me...

To all people who share the power of their stories online, I thank you. You make me richer and I learn from you.

Love,
Kim

Daily "Eloquent Grief" Readings from Alive and Mortal

2011-12-26T15:07:00.000-08:00

Eloquent: Clearly expressing or indicating something.
Grief: Deep sorrow, esp. that caused by someone's death.

Something that I did not anticipate with this year's Advent Calendar project was a kind request to continue into 2012 with providing readers with daily readings.

I am humbled and honored that there are a handful of people that would like to continue a connection throughout the year. There is a small cluster of people who are quietly working at grief, impermanence, eloquence and evolving bonds. And I want to go with them.

I became a little overwhelmed over HOW to fulfill such a commitment... and then, I recalled something that I enjoy very much and how I might adapt it to this project.

On the Twitter social network I enjoy following #micropoetry. The people write with the known limitation of 144 characters. There are some amazing and potent words that come through the ether. Similar to haiku, it can capture a universe of meaning in an economy of words.

I was inspired by the tradition of haiku and the #micropoets to open a separate twitter account just for this kind of writing, for tight, brief grounding meditations... and they are linked to here to have them post daily on this blog in the right column... see this image:

These Daily Readings have begun updating. Right now I am futzing over having them update at the same time each day. I am sure I will figure that part out soon.

If you are on Twitter and want them to feed to you via Twitter - see AliveandMortal

Thank you for keeping me on my toes and growing!

Wishes for a Peaceful New Year.

Love,
Kim

Finally, Facebook Timeline

2011-12-19T06:48:00.000-08:00

So, finally Facebook's Timeline seems to have figured it's way through litigation and is coming soon.

For grieving people, it is something to prepare for. My original post on grieving people and Timeline is HERE.

You should realize that everyone will be able to peruse your Facebook history all the way to the beginning with a slider and a few clicks. Previously, there was no practical way to view your older activity on Facebook.

You only have seven days to make any changes to your Timeline before it becomes your default profile.

There are a few specific ways to work with Timeline related to old posts once you have converted to the Timeline system...

To see what your profile will look like to "non-friends", click the cog icon and choose "View As..." from the drop down menu. This will reveal you how your profile looks to the public. You can also enter the name of any of your Facebook friends at the top of the page to see exactly what they'll see on your Timeline. You can hide all posts or selected ones.

If you want to get rid of anything, go to the post on Timeline and hover over its top right corner. Click the pencil icon and select "Hide from Timeline."

My hope is that grieving people will be proud of their stories and feel connected to the power of their narrative.

But you should make good choices for yourself and your loved ones about your narrative as it is shown on Timeline. Everyone has a specific set of circumstances and one size does not fit all.

A very useful general article was written by Ian Paul in PCWorld on Dec 16, 2011 to help you prepare for Timeline. HERE is the full article.

Love,
Kim

A GLIMPSE INSIDE THE ALIVE AND MORTAL ONLINE ADVENT CALENDAR

2011-12-07T16:40:00.001-08:00

Today's Alive and Mortal online advent calendar reading is about Christopher Love.

Love was executed as a martyr in 1651 by the authorities as an example to dissuade the Presbyterian uprising.

Love had five children, one of whom was born after his death.

This is something that Love wrote:

"God hath many mercies in store for you;

the prayer of a dying husband,

for you,

will not be lost."

When our loved ones are passing, they may have seconds or minutes or hours or days or years to utter prayers.

They may even not have words, they may not have brain function... but the life force that they possessed radiates loving energy.

We do not know what is going on with them, really, as they die - but I take great comfort in the idea that the dying, just may very well indeed, pray for the living.

If you would like to engage with the online advent calendar - CLICK HERE.

Love,
Kim

LET THERE BE LIGHT

2011-12-04T22:38:00.001-08:00

I attended an astronomy lecture the other night, and had a piece of awareness drop in a very unexpected way while listening to the speaker.

She was discussing results from NASA's Spitzer Space Telescope that were possible due to the use of infrared sensors. She gave a short primer on the discovery of infrared light before hurrying on to her more pertinent data... and while I was interested throughout her lecture, I confess that I was taken with the idea of infrared and began drawing parallels to our relationships with the departed.

First, I will share an abbreviated history of infrared.

Sir Frederick William Herschel (1738-1822) discovered infrared by accident.

He had noticed that when he held his prism to the light that the rainbow spectrum seemed to havedifferent heat related to color. He devised a clever experiment toinvestigate his hypothesis.

He directed sunlight through his prism to create the rainbow spectrum and then measured thetemperature of each color by using thermometers with blackenedbulbs (to better absorb heat) and, for each color of the spectrum, placedone bulb in a visible color while the other two were placed beyond the spectrumas control samples. He noticed that all of the colorshad temperatures and that thetemperatures of the colors increased from the violet to the red part of thespectrum. Then he accidentally measured thetemperature just beyond the red portion of the spectrum in a region where no sunlight was visible. To his surprise, he found that this region hadthe highest temperature of all.He called this infrared because theprefix infra means below.

Herschel's experiment led to thediscovery of infrared light, AND it was the first time thatsomeone showed that there were forms of light that we cannot see withour eyes. We now know that there are diverse types of light that we cannot seeand that the visible colors are only a very small part of the entire range of light which we call the electromagnetic spectrum.

It makes it possible to see things like this:

The picture on the left is a normal telescope's image. On the right is what infrared can divulge.

It made me think a lot about our beloved departed and their apparent absence in our lives. Perhaps, they could present in ways not detectable to us. Perhaps it merely takes a altered viewpoint to become aware of them.

I wish I had a telescope that revealed what lies beyond the veil...

Love,

Kim

Advent for Grieving People

2011-12-01T12:38:00.001-08:00

Again, this year, I offer my free Online Advent Calendar for Grieving People.

You can find it HERE.

You may wish to bookmark it, so that every day you may return to open the next window.

If you did this with me before in the past, this is a new and improved version with more detail.

I hope that you will join me on a journey of growth over 25 days. We will focus on bringing light into dark spaces. Trust that every day there is something for you to discover because you are evolving and unfolding in your soul and heart.

I treasure your companionship.

Love,
Kim

PS There is a "donation" button on the site - if you donate, the monies go to Advientos, the host of the free advent calendar program.

Reposting a Great Article

2011-12-01T07:43:00.001-08:00

_________________________________________________
"Death Can Be a Moment That Connects Us, Even As It Parts Us
by Anne O'Connor
November 29, 2011
 Anne O'Connor is a speaker, writer and editor
It strikes me that more of us could stand to consider our own deaths right now, while we still have the chance.

You know you're going to die, right? It could happen tomorrow or in many years. We just don't know, do we?

Some of us fool ourselves, and say that we have time. We tell ourselves that we'll get to sorting that stuff out. Soon. Or maybe we don't tell ourselves anything at all: La, la, la ... la, la, la ... living our lives. Death? Who, me? Or maybe we believe it doesn't matter, that somebody else can figure it all out.

Uh-huh. Thanks, Dad.

Is it any wonder that when our loved ones are dying we don't know what they want? Or that when they are actually dead, we seek out people who know how to do this death thing and pay them lots of money to just ... deal with it? Is it a big surprise that families are sometimes torn apart in the process?

There is a better way.

There's a way that connects people more strongly than ever. There's a way to have someone's life and death be genuinely and deeply honored. A way that brings peace, healing and strength to those still living.

But death rarely just happens this way. We need to plan for it.

I live in a part of the world where people are particularly aware of the opportunity that comes at the end of life. In Viroqua, my tiny southwestern Wisconsin town, we're changing the way we honor the process of death. I have been privileged to be involved in this critical part of life with several families.

People have begun to consider how they want to die, where they want to die, and what they want to happen to their bodies when they're gone. The very idea of taking these steps is radical. You may be starting to get a little fidgety in your chair. But hang on, it's worth it.

What is happening in my town is happening across the country. People everywhere have begun to realize that we've lost the vital importance of ceremony and ritual in our lives. People here have begun to understand that caring for our loved ones as they are dying and after they are dead is profoundly moving, healing work. Many of us have come to understand that when we get close up and cozy with death, the experiences can show us much about priorities in a full life.

This is something that hospice workers and others who work with the dying have known forever. It used to be a part of our cultural knowledge, and not so long ago. We used to have home funerals regularly, to spend a lot of time with the dead, to sit with the family, to hold each other's hands.

Today, though, choosing your own way to die and your own style of funeral requires a large leap. Instead of handing over the entire experience of death and dying to the medical establishment and then to the systematic structure of the funeral homes, you decide how you want your death and how you want your loved ones to care for you.

In Viroqua, we've had an accidental death in which the parents of a teen-age boy decided to bring his body home and create the viewing and funeral there. We've had adults dying of cancer who have been lovingly cared for in their homes, died in their homes, and had the funeral right in their homes. Family and friends have cared for their loved one, often with the help of medical professionals, and sometimes with the help of funeral directors.

There is no right way, no black and white. You can decide to do as much or as little of the work as you care to. Things can change in the moment. The key is to consider your options now, while you can.

Here in Viroqua, a community group called the Threshold Care Circle has been instrumental in helping people consider these options. This educational group is working to let people know what is possible, both legally and practically. Such groups are popping up all over the country, as more people begin to understand that they want to be involved in the care of their loved ones.

Death is one of life's most important moments. We only get one shot at it. Both the person dying and the loved ones will be best served by considering the possibilities in advance. No family member has to do all the practical work; there's always help to be had.

But it is worth considering: Someone will wash the body. Someone will dress the body. Someone will close the eyes for the final time. Someone will. At the critical moment of death, someone will perform these tasks for the person whom we have loved and cared for all our lives. Why would we give those meaningful rituals away to a stranger? Why do we give away the best stuff?

We need not let fear of the unknown keep us from what often turns out to be one of life's richest moments. We can plan, we can talk to each other, we can find out what options we have. In the end, we can have what we need." _________________________________________________
I have taken training in the Home Funeral work that Anne is referring to, and it is amazing. If you are interested in knowing more about the home funeral movement, please message me...

Love,
Kim

My Humble Reflection on a Piece of Jewelry

2011-11-27T13:10:00.001-08:00

I am awestruck and honored today... artist Luis Arriaga Reyes named one of his lovely creations after me. Luis is an Art Director at Sterling Jewelers and also owner of Cafe Arabiga, a venue for gourmet coffee, art and live music in Ensenada, Mexico. We have never actually met, but he knows me through mutual friends and we are on Facebook together. We share the loss of our fathers. He has heard about my loss of Brian. So, he let me know of this piece that he designed with my story in mind...

The moment I saw this lovely piece, I recalled a poem by Pablo Neruda.I am not fluent in Spanish, so I trust that this is correct:

En su llama mortal la luz te envuelve.
Absorta, pálida doliente, así situada
contra las viejas hélices del crepúsculo
que en torno a ti da vueltas.

Muda, mi amiga,
sola en lo solitario de esta hora de muertes
y llena de las vidas del fuego,
pura heredera del día destruido.

Del sol cae un racimo en tu vestido oscuro.
De la noche las grandes raíces
crecen de súbito desde tu alma,
y a lo exterior regresan las cosas en ti ocultas,
de modo que un pueblo pálido y azul
de ti recién nacido se alimenta.

Oh grandiosa y fecunda y magnética esclava
del círculo que en negro y dorado sucede:
erguida, trata y logra una creación tan viva
que sucumben sus flores, y llena es de tristeza.

The Light Wraps You

The light wraps you in its mortal flame.
Abstracted pale mourner, standing that way
against the old propellers of the twilight
that revolves around you.

Speechless, my friend,
alone in the loneliness of this hour of the dead
and filled with the lives of fire,
pure heir of the ruined day.

A bough of fruit falls from the sun on your dark garment.
The great roots of night
grow suddenly from your soul,
and the things that hide in you come out again
so that a blue and palled people
your newly born, takes nourishment.

Oh magnificent and fecund and magnetic slave
of the circle that moves in turn through black and gold:
rise, lead and possess a creation
so rich in life that its flowers perish
and it is full of sadness.

Thank you, Luis. His lovely shop may be found HERE.

Lost and Found and Upside Down

2011-10-30T19:51:00.000-07:00

Free picture slideshow customized with Smilebox

Love,
Kim

Final Week of The Evolving Bonds Photo Project - Lost and Found and Upside Down

2011-10-30T12:24:00.000-07:00

"Speak a new language and the world will be a new world. " -Rumi

Changing your perspective can be a powerful way to unleash yourself.

Why? Because normally our brain functions by simply settling on an economic perspective based on first impressions and assumptions.

Upon encountering a challenge, tragedy or problem in our life... we work to solve it. As subsequent challenges arise, we are more inclined to repeat and repeat our previous approach to attempt to solve a similar problem the exact same way (regardless of whether it is, or is not, the best way). This appears to be the default mechanism of our brains - think of it as an economy of process.

Why waste time inventing new scripts when we can draw on the old scripts?

Well, there are all kinds of good reasons to start anew when we have a challenge.

In particular, I find that creativity helps with the challenges we face when we lose a loved one and we wish to sustain bonds with them. The death of a loved one is a vexing problem to be solved on numerous levels.

The level we are exploring here in this series is our bonds with a beloved person(s) and how to evolve when they have died...

Creatives intuitively explore many, many, many different ways to solve a problem. If there are a million ways to look at a problem, perhaps there are millions of solutions to problems; some solutions better than others.

Creatives feel the freedom to start as a child, often seeming childish in their approach with awe, wonder, questioning and curiosity.

“What… Copernicus [and] Darwin really achieved was not the discovery of a new theory, but a fertile new point of view.” - Michael Michalko

When you take the time to change your perspective you are bound to discover new ideas or ways of solving a problem; and it is a certain that some of those new ideas or solutions will be creatively brilliant.

Why not? What the he** do you have to lose? Nothing now. Why not?

Do something upside down or sideways today.

Do something opposite - have an Opposite Day at The School Of Life today...

Take a turn down an unexpected path...

Move toward something that repels you...

A change of perspective will introduce new ideas regarding your evolving bonds with the departed, it is certain to open up an expanse of discovery, love and wonder.

Our Evolving Bonds Photo Project group on Facebook are in their final week and I will look forward to seeing what they do with this... THE MORE OUTRAGEOUS THE BETTER!

Love,
Kim

Evolving Bonds Photo Project - Exploring the Second Home

2011-10-23T09:42:00.000-07:00

Our Evolving Bonds Photo Project Facebook Group is continuing in our 3-week cycle of exploring our evolving bonds with the beloved departed as a group.

It is quite moving to watch the variety, depth and breadth of experiences being contemplated and shared.

Today, they receive their next assignment: A Second Home. The prompt will, hopefully, open space for new or elevated awareness.

I am honored to be in the company of these friends in the journey.

Love,
Kim

A POST FOR THOSE IN MY EVOLVING BONDS PHOTO PROJECT

2011-10-15T11:53:00.000-07:00

A monk asks, "Is there anything more miraculous than the wonders of nature?" The master replies, "Yes, your awareness of the wonders of nature." -- Angelus Silesius

Can you feel a clutter within you that disrupts your pure awareness?

Most of us can if we slow a bit and start asking that question. I invite you to take a breath and sit with that question a moment. See what arises for you.

Behind that clutter - the stacks and stacks of noise and debris - there often lies a rich and meaning-laden world that can be a comfort, anchor, guide and a grounding.

Normally we humans default to low input - we look through the lens of a lens of a lens... it is one of the common human dilemmas... and there is the potential of not seeing each moment infused with meaning, communication and newness.

Grieving people can fall deeply into an agonizing cacophony of distance and disassociation with their surroundings. Pain can cause us to seize up and do what I call "cocooning". Perhaps you are like me? When someone dies, we may find ourselves thrust into a foreign and treacherous land. This is the last place that we want to be, we often seek a deep and dark cave to retreat into.

I, personally, found many of the deaths that I experienced to have this effect of seizing up. There was a difference when my beloved Brian died, though. There was a familiar stinging grey fog over everything, but with a new level of excruciating foreign-ness because I lost my soul mate and life partner.

But what was strange - after years of spiritual practice...

... I found - this confusing terrain that was clouded with fog and daggers would get punched through over and over by unexplainable beauty. Beauty of nature, sound, the kindness of people... textures, sensations, cadences... I thought something was wrong about these sensations at first... but slowly I began to allow them to arrive and instinctively held out my bleeding pain and allow these moments of beauty to wash over the pain to cleanse and nourish me.

And the more I did this, the more it seemed to bear fruit.

Can we dare to believe:

"The hurt you embrace becomes joy. Call it to your arms where it can change." - Rumi

On Facebook, we have a private group called the EVOLVING BONDS PHOTO PROJECT. We have 12 participants who are very interesting people - and we have a little room for more. I am giving them their first assignment this Sunday morning. They will be looking to how the assignment manifests in their lives this week in an organic way. There are no "right" or "wrong" ways to participate.

Their assignment is called: Unexpected Embraces.

Think about joining us... there is still time.

Love,
Kim

A Week of Preparation for the Evolving Bonds Photo Project

2011-10-10T03:51:00.000-07:00

We have 12 members so far in our Evolving Bonds Photo Project... there is still time to join us - we commence on Sunday, October 16th! Consider being a part of this wonderful group of people who are going to teach each other through powerful reflections on their evolving bonds.

Here are some of my reflections along with Rumi for this week to help us ready our hearts and eyes...

"I am so small I can barely be seen.
How can this great love be inside me?
Look at your eyes,
they are small
but they see enormous things."

When we set an intention to pay attention and take in awareness, many things can come forward that are normally in the background. These are gifts that we have yet to receive. As we bend ourselves toward awareness, the gifts can unfold. The way these gifts present themselves are too numerous to quantify. Here are just a few examples of when the awareness might break through...

“The minute I heard my first love story
I started looking for you, 
not knowing how blind that was. 
Lovers don't finally meet somewhere. 
They're in each other all along.”

"The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you.
 Don't go back to sleep. 
You must ask for what you really want. 
Don't go back to sleep.
 People are going back and forth across the doorsill 
where the two worlds touch. 
The door is round and open. 
Don't go back to sleep."

"Is it really true that the One I love is everywhere?"

"This being human is a guest house 
Every morning a new arrival.
 A joy, a depression, a meanness, 
some momentary awareness comes
 as an unexpected visitor. 
Welcome and entertain them all! 
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows, 
who violently sweep your house 
empty of its furniture, 
still treat each guest honorably.
 He may be clearing you out for some new delight. 
The dark thought, the shame, the malice, 
meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in.
 Be grateful for whoever comes, 
because each has been sent 
as a guide from beyond."

Love,
Kim

The Evolving Bonds Photo Project For Grieving People

2011-10-03T17:52:00.000-07:00

I am hosting a new 3 week interactive expressive arts experience – starting October 16, 2011.

The Evolving Bonds Photo Project

...is an expressive and exclusive community experience where you will:

Use Your Eyes As A Lens To Your Heart:
We'll venture into our world with our cameras and/or camera phones. We will be using our eyes to increasingly move from looking at what is physically present to seeing what is emotionally and spiritually present.

Use Your Voice As A Tribute To Your Love:
Without pressure, we use our own words or add from prose, memoir, and poetry.

Use Your Relationship Muscles:
If happiness was to be found in focusing on ourselves, we would surely be happy by now!

If happiness is found in connecting with loved ones - then, with camera or camera phone in hand, our perception and awareness can be invited to naturally and easily shift in amazing ways. We find new or renewed ways to connect with our departed and members of the group.

The photographs will help us notice, remember and commit to memory the continuing bonds we are experiencing. Telling stories with photos can be powerful and highly communicative to others who you are connecting with through the group. Your story has power. To see our continuing bonds, reflect on them and allow others to bear witness is a powerful tool.

What are evolving bonds?
CLICK HERE for a previous blog post about evolving bonds.

How does it work?

This group will run in three week cycles. You are making a three week commitment.

Prior to the project commencing is our preparation time.

To prepare to participate, find the group on Facebook called: “Evolving Bonds Photo Project”. It is a closed group. Request to be added. If I do not recognize you, I may email you to determine where you heard about the group, to insure that we do not have people randomly join without qualifying purpose.

Next, prepare to have your camera and/or cameraphone with you at all times, arrange to have a cable handy to connect to a computer if you need it, and any photo editing programs that you would like to use.

During week 1 - 3 of The Evolving Bonds Photo Project you will be gifted each Sunday with a theme suggestion to use if you are inclined. Each week you are to capture your evolving bonds in image and/or words. The themes are designed to be progressive.

So in summary:
At the beginning of each week you will receive notice that I have posted in the group the week’s theme to be done within the week.

During the week I will send out an additional message or host an IM chat that is a brief teaching/inspiration interactive session.

What you will get from participating in the Evolving Bonds Photo Project:

new levels of intimacy with self, your departed and people in the group
exposure to other people’s stories which are inspiring
practice in learning to see your continuing bonds
a designated space to stretch your imagination
confidence
support
adventure
new levels of awareness of love

And best of all, it is FREE to participate.

The first cycle of The Evolving Bonds Photo Project begins October 16 and ends November 5, 2011.

Consider joining in...

Love,
Kim

The New Facebook Timeline and Grieving People

2011-09-26T17:18:00.000-07:00

UPDATE: Facebook is delaying the roll-out of their Timeline format, see article related to the delay HERE.

I decided to be an early adopter of Facebook Timeline.

I have long said that "The world belongs to people who can change."

Facebook Timeline is a big change.

The reason for my early adoption of the program was, in part, just being curious. But the other part had to do with anticipating how it would effect grieving people. Only those who are authorized through the app developers window can see the changes that everyone will be seeing on October 5, 2011. So, if you visit my Facebook page right now, it will not show Timeline to you until October 5th. If you have taken the plunge to get signed in as a developer, you can now see my page with Timeline. (see link for instructions below)

In all the promo regarding Facebook's Timeline, it presents a happy life, with many highlights and joys. The media surrounding it is full of Hallmark-styled moments of happy families and fun parties and lovely photos. Of course, these media pieces are advertisements that try and influence people to feel good about the changes coming...

I deal, however, with a large population of Facebook users who have many, many difficult moments and hard photos - such as of their children sitting by a gravestone... I am a bit protective of them. I want them to get taken care of. I want to warn them if things might not be good for them.

On the current Facebook format, you would have to do pages and pages of tedious digging to get anywhere into your past and - you would likely get carpel tunnel syndrome before you had any large impressions wash over you. But I suspected that this format would be very different.

So, I took the plunge. And it is... YOUR LIFE RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU on your profile page.

So, if you do not like how your life is going or you had a really bad patch that lasted a good long while, you are not going to "like" this, to use Facebook jargon.

The layout is similar to tumblr - at least the tumblr template that I utilize on my page. It is not linear. It reads more like a newspaper with columns and sections in a patchwork on your page. It is a random (at least to my eye, there must be an algorithm behind the madness) crazy quilt of your posts, friends pictures, photos, maps and so on.

I was able to go back and see my first posts when I joined Facebook right after Brian died in 2008. I was sitting alone in New England and was trying to live out a commitment to staying technologically relevant in social media as a way to try and hang onto the three step-children that I had lost custody of to their birth-mom... and I can see my first status updates.

My third status update:

"I'm asking for a do-over."

Going back and seeing the progression that my life took is a bit of a psychological work out.

I, personally, do not have posts before Brian's death, I was not on Facebook then. I was living a very different life then - I was far more engaged with work and family. My first posts on Facebook are heartbroken posts, punctuated by jokes so that people could tell that I was still breathing.

Back then - I thought that no one wanted to see my grief posting, so I can see that I held it to a minimum - it took me a while before I discarded that position for believing that my avocation was to create culture shift in society for grieving people by speaking freely about my loss and others losses.

Interestingly, Facebook has included a new feature that will be important for new grieving people. It seems to allow you to flag posts - even that you have lost a loved one...

I recall months of petitioning Facebook to include a widowed status, and now they allow you to mark a post this way...

I want to alert people that are grieving that seeing months and years of sad posts and then seeing your friends months and years of happy posts may seem a bit rough. It reminds me of all those Christmas cards you would get every year where people went on and on and had so many great stories to write about and I only had deaths to discuss (which I opted out of telling them about.)

I also had 2 dear friends suddenly die since I was on Facebook. So, in a short 3 year period, there is a lot of sorrow in the posts that show up.

I might suggest that grieving people take this change in Facebook slowly. Go into that timeline with a lot of support around you. Do not go there when you are feeling really down. Maybe invite a friend who understands your grief to be there with you and support you. If you have a therapist, bring your laptop to a session and begin to unpack it together. Make sure you have support for yourself. That will look different for each person. But take care of yourself in the changes. And stay in touch. Do not lose your network of support by prematurely closing your account. Not on my watch, anyway.

I think the richness of a life is not defined by the sum of fun moments we have had as much as how much and deeply we loved - regardless of the pain and discomfort that came with it. I believe that grieving people are some of the most rich, complex and deep people on the planet. You have a story and it has power.

If you accept this intention - there can be an embracing of your story and a love and compassion for yourself that is fostered by the encounter with your Timeline.

Be proud of who you are, what you have been through, who you are becoming - the light that you bear in dark places is beautiful, friends.

I am going to be ruminating on this more, and if I have more to add, I will do so as a P.S.. I just wanted to get the word out there, because the change will happen October 5, whether you are ready or not...

Love,Kim

P.S.

Some other ideas to help grieving people:

-- Sign up early as I did and several have to look things over, you will have until Oct 5th to figure out what you want to do. I used the directions HERE to be an early adopter of Timeline.

-- Widows can be targets for stalkers and creeps, as you may know. Timeline's map feature is currently set for public viewing - I have researched this and so far it appears that there is no way to hide it or delete it. So, if you have concerns about who knows where you are, do not use the map check-in feature. You may want to try deleting your check-ins before the Timeline roll out (I assume with the old FB you can delete them).

-- Facial Recognition technology is ramping up. To opt out of Facebook's facial recognition technology by going to Account > Account Settings > Privacy > Customize Settings > Things Others Share and disabling "Suggest photos of me to friends," you should also upload random pictures of trees and animals and stuffed toys and tag them as yourself.

Along with that - think about any of your surviving children and the amount of information you are posting about them. They will be living into a greater lack of privacy as social media unfolds. So many people post pictures of their adorable children - you are proud of them, but this will be in the digital record forever, so you need to think about what that will mean for them. Use judgement and measure your posts about them...

-- Set your privacy settings high right before the Timeline roll out so that you have time to see what it looks like and then decide what you want to do.

-- This change might present an illuminating opportunity for society to begin to realize how long and arduous a road grief can be. If we can bare our lives being shown for it's raw truths it might help the culture to accept the length of bereavement.

-- Those whose beloved died before they were on Facebook - this gives you an experience similar to an online digital scrapbook where you can take time and go back to select the memories that you want to add and present to your friends. It can be a therapeutic exercise.

I have worked on my page a little bit:

And, I added a post about Brian's death:

This from Facebook Help

-- Removing and Highlighting a Story

You get to decide which stories appear on your timeline. Hover over a story on your timeline to see your options:

Feature on Timeline: This allows you to highlight the stories you think are important. When you star a story, the story expands to widescreen. Starred stories are also always visible on your timeline.

Edit: This gives you the option to:

    •    Hide from Timeline: This removes stories from your timeline. Note that these stories will still show up in your activity log, which only you can see. They also may appear in your friend’s News Feeds.

    •    Depending on the type of story (ex: status update, checkin, tagged photo), you may also have the option to:

            -- Change the date of a story (ex: for an old photo, you can enter the date the photo was taken so it shows up in the right place on your timeline)
            -- Delete a post

Remember: You can also see the audience of stories you and your friends share from your timeline, and change the audience of things that you share.

When the Pain of Grief Turns to Thoughts of Suicide

2011-09-01T15:47:00.000-07:00

I have been experiencing an increase of discussion about suicide in many groups, not just the widowed community - even a group that I am in that has nothing to do with grief has several people struggling with accepting the world they find themselves in.

I wrote this because I have had so many conversations of late around the topic and my heart breaks but I want to impart more than sympathy, I want to impart life.

Take what you like and leave the rest, comments are also welcome.

Namaste.

We all suffer.

The suffering in grief is uniquely intense. Recently I have spoken with many widows over their desire to end their pain via suicide. Many experience extreme suffering, and for some the suffering seems unbearable. They assume that the other side is painless and easy.

Since we all have to die in the end, if life becomes unbearable, then why prolong the agony?

Perhaps we imagine that we will be reunited with our loved one(s)?

I turn to the Buddhist tradition to see what it says about suicide...

The main stance of Buddhism is that the only path to peace is by being mindfully present. We can only do this through acceptance.

Buddhists believe that if we engage in mental states based in craving, hatred and delusion will give rise to actions that lead to consequences of increased suffering and decreased happiness.

These mental states and the actions arising from them are termed ‘unskilful’, in that they do not help us or anyone around us - including our children.

Contrarily, mental states that are based in acceptance, love and wisdom will give rise to actions that lead to a decrease in suffering, and an increase in happiness. These are termed ‘skilful’ in that they help everyone.

In other words, when we are grasping relentlessly for something that cannot be fulfilled and we refuse to accept the real and broken world we live in... when we believe that we are at fault for things that are not reasonably within our control... when we hate ourselves and engage in sloppy thinking and expect life to be happy... we are not using skills that will be productive and helpful and life-giving.

When we are able to let go and accept the order of things, that people die as a course of life, even untimely and violently at times... when we bring in love for ourselves and others including anyone that we might consider has wronged us... when we allow reality to have room and we know that everything is about change and impermanence... then we are life-giving and light-bearing in our circumstances.

Buddhists join many traditions that believe that the other side of suicide may not hold the relief from pain that a suicidal person expects...

Here are some quotes:

“Some people commit suicide; they seem to think that there is suffering simply because there is the human life, and that by cutting off the life there will be nothing…

But, according to the Buddhist viewpoint, that’s not the case; your consciousness will continue.

Even if you take your own life, this life, you will have to take another body that again will be the basis of suffering.

If you really want to get rid of all your suffering, all the difficulties you experience in your life, you have to get rid of the fundamental cause (greed, hatred and delusion) that gives rise to the aggregates that are the basis of all suffering.

Killing yourself isn’t going to solve your problems.”

-His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama

“According to the Buddhist teaching of cause and effect, since one does not realise the truth of all phenomena, or does not practise to be liberated from life and death, suicide is pointless.

When one’s karmic retribution is not exhausted, death by suicide only leads to another cycle of rebirth.

This is why Buddhists do not support suicide; and instead, encourage constructive living, using this life to diligently practise good, thus changing the present and the future for the better.”

-Chan Master Sheng Yen

“If we do not use this precious body to help ourselves, till when shall we wait to save ourselves?”

- Buddhist Saying

Love,
Kim

ONLINE CHAT NOW

2011-08-24T15:50:00.000-07:00

STARTING AT 4 pm

GRIEVING PEOPLE online chat

Sign in via FB or Twitter

Room says "Alive & Mortal Community"

CLICK HERE

Love,
Kim

Our First Family Grief Camp - Join Us!

2011-08-18T11:36:00.000-07:00

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD BROCHURE FRONT
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD BROCHURE BACK

Message me if you would like a pre-printed color brochure - include your full name and address and the quantity you need.

Please let people know that would benefit from such an experience.

Love,
Kim

The Power of Words

2011-08-07T19:36:00.000-07:00

Grieving people usually cloister themselves away from larger social circulation in the beginning. Eventually, you will begin to make short journeys into contact with the world again. The world looks very different to you, smells different, tastes different - and sounds different.

The bereaved are often taken aback and surprised by how the general public, in particular their friends - WHO SHOULD KNOW BETTER - use certain words. It is like the bereaved are hearing people use these words for the first time. The words are around death, loss and grief - but used in cavalier ways. And, it stings.

People actually often say things that inadvertently mention the subject of death, and use it for dramatic effect.

"That kills me."
"I could shoot her."
"I feel like I have one foot in the grave."
"That was murder."

And the list goes on.

You are in a hyper-sensitive state. These words cause you to halt. Your world just received a massive download of these kinds of words due to the loss of someone. These kinds of words are more infused in your daily discussions than before. So, when you hear these words used metaphorically, and even with intended humor, it is hard to ignore them or hear them with the same sense of levity you might have had at an earlier time in your life. You see everything through the lens of your loss and it is startling how much we talk about death, dying and suffering in superficial and dramatically silly ways.

People will say really crass things around grieving people - and it is painful. I hear this from hundreds of grieving people all over the world. They begin to be at odds with the people around them, asking why - if their friends and relatives care - are they using these words in this way.

Some people lose it in front of their friends and relatives on this issue. I recently watched one friend who exploded at his relatives regarding such verbal malfeasance. It slowly grew in annoyance and eventually exploded and became a rift between people in his family. I understand and empathize fully. But I hope to offer a different angle to look at these insults to the psyche to see if we can keep from throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

I can only offer one technique. As we live in a world that is so extremely death - denying, I feel that this use of death words is what one would call a Freudian slip - the unconscious mind kicking up toward the conscious. Death is the topic that everyone wants to suppress, so it must come out in sideways and backward emissions. I have come to think that perhaps it is like a nervous tick - they think they should avoid talking about these topics and are nervous and they let out these words like a bad case of verbal gas...

Sometimes, when someone is trying REALLY HARD not to say something, they begin hydroplaning, sliding and careening towards these words in some uncontrollable skid that can only stop by uttering a word like "die", "kill", "cancer", "tumor", "drown"... I could go on. It is equivalent to people developing momentary Tourettes syndrome.

Perhaps this will help you to extend some patience and grace toward the person even when they say something that stings. Imagine their words as a boisterous fart. You would feel embarrassed for them if it were gas, would you not? This is not that much different, I am afraid.

Love, Kim

Question

2011-08-06T17:30:00.003-07:00

Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön
Love, Kim

Question

2011-08-06T17:30:00.001-07:00

Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön
Love, Kim

Your Deceased Loved-One's Facebook Page and How to Preserve Memories

2011-07-30T08:02:00.001-07:00

When Facebook memorializes an account, they delete all status updates made by deceased users as a part of memorializing a profile.

Memorializing an account also prevents anyone from logging into the account. Even a family member would be prevented from managing this like any other estate issue...

The crappy thing is a friend, wittingly or unwittingly can notify Facebook about any person being deceased and they will memorialize the account, it is unclear to me if they will ask the family.

This from the Help section of FB:

"A deceased person's account is appearing in "People You May Know." How do I report this?

Please report this information here, so we can memorialize this person’s account. Memorializing the account restricts profile access to confirmed friends only. Please note that in order to protect the privacy of the deceased user, we cannot provide login information for the account to anyone. We do honor requests from close family members to close the account completely."

SO -
If you want a copy of your deceased loved one's Facebook as it was before they died and before anyone might report them as deceased... for any reason -you can click a link and get a copy of all of it in a single download.

This feature is only available after confirming the password and answering appropriate security questions. You have to know the password and security question answers in order to do this...

Here are the FB instructions:

"How can I download my information from Facebook?

You can download your information from the Account Settings page.

Open the Account drop-down menu at the top right corner of Facebook and choose Account Settings.

Scroll down to Download Your Information and click learn more.

Click the Download button on the following page.

Because this download contains your profile information, you should keep it secure and take precautions when storing, sending or uploading it to any other services."

These things are a part of your memories, but you are not in 100% control over them, so I suggest you look into preserving it in some way for your peace of mind.

Love, Kim

Camp Widow

2011-07-14T06:59:00.000-07:00

Camp Widow Workshop

I am honored to be presenting the intensive workshop to my grieving companions - called Creativity and Evolving Bonds - it has a low cap on enrollments, so if you are keenly interested, please sign up before spaces are gone. I would hate for anyone that is really wanting to participate to be disappointed.

Love, Kim

Comparison

2011-07-02T05:40:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking a lot about "comparing." There is a lot of talk about the pitfalls of comparing among grieving people.

One might lose multiple loved ones in the same event, another has a partner of 40 years that they lose over a protracted period of time. Another may have had numerous miscarriages while her neighbor had to make decisions about life support. It is such a mish-mosh of experiences that we address when we talk with grieving people. When you get together people wanting to deal with their losses, it can invite comparisons.

I do see some dangers in comparisons. How it is so limiting of our awareness. How it side-steps the universal nature of our pain when we lose a beloved mortal. How our weakness makes us grasp for more manageable bite-sized data. She has this. I have that. At least I did not have this. My pain is worse than yours. Your pain is worse than mine.

There is a nuanced use of comparison that may not be all bad, however.

After an earthquake, there comes a time in the great loss for a village - the clean up - where one inevitably starts an inventory. You almost have to start assessing what in your village is gone, damaged but repairable and what is salvaged, what injuries to flesh and bone you must nurse. Sometimes you look up and around and see that another village is left standing, another is partially down, another is leveled... and so forth. There is a helpful aspect of doing an inventory. It assists you in gaining bearings, figuring out the work to be done, making decisions to rebuild here or move there. If you have a spell of jealously it may not be so bad if you do not get stuck there. Sometimes you are given a gift of knowing a suffering you are spared from.

It seems to me that in the process of re-building a meaningful existence somehow involves an inventory. Maybe the trick is to keep your eyes largely on your own village and not to get caught up in wanting to raid someone else's village.

Even jealousy can be a messenger. It can inform us of our most passionate work to address. When I feel jealous, it is more about me, my longings, my unfulfilled places that I need to work with - than it is about them and what they seem to possess.

In the end - about rebuilding - these are my thoughts...

Our bonds to others represent our longing for meaning. You may find comparing yourself to someone that has something that you have lost to be like battery acid in your soul. You may find that feeling jealous over another person's grace in their loss to be damning.

The love and bond that you have for the departed can be a painful, searing messenger. The pain and longing inform you of your future path. As long as there are others still on the planet, there are new people that need your love and affection, and hence, the opportunity for this kind of meaning still exists. It may not appear like your original vision. But if you have love and can share it, you are on your way.

Love, Kim

Blog Entries To Win a Scholarship to Camp Widow! UPDATED with all entries!

2011-06-27T17:10:00.000-07:00

Click Here: See the Blog Entries to Win a Scholarship to Camp Widow!

Love,Kim

Bloggers: Win a Scholarship to Camp Widow! UPDATED: Deadline extended! Submit your blog entry by JUNE 14.

2011-05-31T13:42:00.000-07:00

In August, Camp Widow, the premier event for connecting widows and widowers, will held for the THIRD YEAR. Please visit the website for location, list of speakers and workshops, registration, and (my favorite) Frequently Asked Questions. This is the only event run by a non profit organization BY widowed people and it's an exception weekend of support, new friends, and the freedom to "come as you are" -- where EVERYONE "gets it." The event is inclusive (men, women, LGBT, all ages, all parenting statuses) with content and social events to meet all needs and interests.

We strongly encourage widowed folks to attend. To make it easier, a group of widowed people are helping to run this blogging contest, funded by a group of friends.

Widowed Bloggers -- win a ticket to Camp Widow!

Write a post sharing WHY you want to attend Camp Widow 2011.

Notify us that you posted by leaving a comment on this post (below) to make sure we see it (you can also send us a note.)

Camp Widow is a exceptional weekend for widowed people of all ages. We will choose one (possibly two) bloggers to receive a PARTIAL scholarship that covers Camp registration and some incidental expenses. NO ACTUAL CAMPING IS INVOLVED. Learn more about this event, which is in its third year, at campwidow.org.

How do I enter?
Please write and publish a blog post telling the world WHY you wish to attend. You can include topics such as how you expect to benefit, or share about some of the widowed people you've already met. You do not need to demonstrate financial need though if you wish to write a separate note discussing your financial circumstances, you may do so.

Who is eligible to compete?
Widows and widowers of all ages who started blogging before 4/1/11 and who are interested in attending Camp Widow 2011. Please note: you should be prepared to pay for and arrange your travel to and from, and your lodging in San Diego. (We can help you find a roommate to reduce costs). If our generous donors can pay more, they will, but please don't apply unless you are prepared to make the trip (including arranging child care, taking time off work, etc.).

Summary and dates

You must publish your blog post AND notify us by midnight EST, * * * Tuesday, June 14. * * *
We will notify the winner(s) within 2 weeks.
Camp Widow will be held August 12 to 14. Details are at campwidow.org.

Winner(s) MUST arrange and purchase their own travel and hotel reservations. Scholarship covers Camp Widow registration fee plus some incidentals.

Questions? Want to help fund this scholarship? We want to hear from you.

(Disclosure: This competition is hosted, managed, and funded by an independent group of widowed bloggers. No one is being compensated for creating this competition and those judging entries are not eligible to win.)

Love, Kim

Youth Novels About Loss

2011-05-24T19:56:00.000-07:00

I will be adding to this post over time, I have to get it started.

Youth often find direct communication about death and loss overwhelming for many, many reasons. Direct conversations are good, but sprinkle in stories and other kinds of content to help children experience a range of expressiveness. Here is a beginning list of youth titles, I will be adding child titles as well over time. If you know of any child or youth fiction that you would like to see added, please leave a comment or email me. Thanks!

Youth Fiction:

After by Francis Chalifour Fifteen-year-old Francis struggles to come to terms with his father's suicide.
The Truth About Forever by Sarah Dessen The summer following her father's death, Macy plans to work at the library and wait for her brainy boyfriend to return from camp, but instead she goes to work at a catering business where she makes new friends and finally faces her grief.
Under the Wolf, Under the Dog by Adam Rapp Sixteen-year-old Steve struggles to make sense of his mother's terminal breast cancer and his brother's suicide.
No Right Turn by Terry Trueman After three years of wanting only to be invisible, sixteen-year-old Jordan begins to recover from his father's suicide and start living again when a neighbor's vintage Corvette Stingray opens up new possibilities for him.
Tiger Eyes by Judy Blume Resettled in the "Bomb City" with her mother and brother, Davey Wexler recovers from the shock of her father's death during a holdup of his 7-Eleven store in Atlantic City.
Eagle Kite by Paula Fox Liam's father has AIDS, and his family cannot talk about it until Liam reveals a secret that he has tried to deny ever since he saw his father embracing another man at the beach.
The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton The struggle of three brothers to stay together after their parents’ death and their quest for identity among the conflicting values of their society.
Silver Kiss by Annette Curtis Klause Only Simon, the young vampire who comes to her house in the middle of the night, can help Zoe overcome her brooding thoughts of her dying mother and her own loneliness.
Girl Death Left Behind by Lurlene McDaniel Numb with grief when an accident kills her entire family, fourteen-year-old Beth suddenly finds herself living with her spoiled cousin Terri and trying to make friends at a new school.
Shizuko’s Daughter by Kyoto Mori After her mother's suicide when she is twelve years old, Yuki spends years living with her distant father and his resentful new wife, cut off from her mother's family, and relying on her own inner strength to cope with the tragedy.
Missing May by Cynthia Rylant After the death of the beloved aunt who has raised her, twelve-year-old Summer and her uncle Ob leave their West Virginia trailer in search of the strength to go on living.

Love,
Kim

Preaching to the Choir

2011-05-16T15:58:00.000-07:00

The phrase “preaching to the choir” is a clever way to say one is trying to make believers out of people who already believe, or convince people who are already convinced. The exact phrase first appears in print in the 1970s, but is the same idea as an earlier phrase - “preaching to the converted” - which is first used by John Stuart Mill in An Examination of Sir W. Hamilton's Philosophy, 1867.

The idea has also been expressed in another phrase that refers to an unnecessary act, i.e. “kicking at an open door.”

I am going to preach to the choir in this blog post.

The choir is the community of grieving people.

I am pretty certain you already believe what I will say in this post in your heart-of-hearts. Some are living it – but some perhaps not fully, not completely.

Our grieving community - the “choir” members - are often directed by our culture (the conductor of our thoughts and endorsed feelings) not to sing appassionato (with passion). We allow a guest conductor to signal silence or a monotonous tune and the choir is complying to spare the non-grieving world their discomfort.

I talk, write, read and instant message hundreds of grieving people a week. Often there are a chorus of questions seeking affirmation from others, such as: “Does anyone else feel like ...? How can I avoid being totally insane?... When will I feel normal...? How do I do this ____ without making everyone feel _______...? Am I crazy...?”

Your grief creates a dilemma.

Choir of Grieving People: is “normal” a song that you really want to sing anymore? Maybe “normal” – as packaged by western societal messages – is the most boring, predictable but empty tune out there. And to be honest - your real-life situation of losing a loved one – is actually, statistically, more “normal” than you have been lead to believe.

Have you allowed the world to tell you that your passionate song is wrong? Your tune does not leave the people around you with a comfortable, happy feeling. Do you feel you must hide your love away rather than to disrupt their preferred monotone and droning noise?

It is like our world favors a collapsed tonal scale – and this endorsed and promoted scale has become a sell-out concert for life.

Do we truthfully believe that non-grieving people can tell grieving people how to sing this song of grief? If we do believe it, we have given away our song, our strength, our voice.

What would it mean to you to reject the atmospheric pressure of shame around grief which will, in turn, cause the non-grieving world to either cover their ears or to, at last, to begin listening?

Is the “normal world” with it's denial and lies so attractive and seductive to cause you to abandon yourself and betray your song? You, by being authentically you, can lift your voice and the voice of those grieving along side of you above the suffering of being cultural outcasts in addition to the suffering of your grief. You have an opportunity, as a grieving person, to be fully alive and real in your loss. It is a perfect moment to shed the lies and the half-truths that you have been dressed in for your entire life and sing.

Sing.

Love,

Kim

Compassion Fatigue In Peer Grief Support

2011-05-11T02:39:00.000-07:00

Compassion fatigue is a term often applied to medical personnel providing support to those facing traumatic circumstances. This powerful term can be applied to numerous alternate settings. The setting that I would like to apply it to is the act of peer care-giving for the bereaved.

There can be tremendous or hidden stress as a result of being engaged and involved with traumatized and grieving people.

My aim is to help those who would like to develop endurance as peers in grief to create practical conditions to sustain an even level of support.

First, know that what you do as a peer in supporting grieving people is very important. Peer support can, merely by virtue of what it is, be an important mainstay of a bereaved person's lifeline.

That said, it is important to understand that perhaps the most powerful thing you do is the most simple thing that you do. When you provide a compassionate witness to a person and their story, you have done a significant thing. If all you do is arrive, witness a person's expression and affirm it with compassionate attention, you have done an excellent job.

Your personal tolerance for grief and endurance for sadness may vary from the next person's. As well, people vary in their tolerance for a wide variety and range of sad and disturbing information. It is important for you to know when the exposure has been too difficult or disturbing for you and notice your stress response as a signal that you need a bit of psychological distance or a break from active peer grief support.

Compassionate care of the grieving is best done when your own self-care is maintained. There are many good techniques out there that can help you keep your self-care in balance so that you can recover from exhaustion or burn out in shorter time.
One system is called the BREADS system. The word BREADS provides a way to remember several concepts. There are two parts for each letter, one physical and one mental.

The twelve parts of the BREADS system are:

B
Breath (from your diaphragm)
Nurture your Belief system

R
Practice Relaxation techniques daily
Nurture mutual Relationships

E
Exercise
Educate yourself re: stress

A
Monitor your Attitudes
Lead an Active lifestyle

D
Eat a healthy Diet
Determine that you'll be resilient

S
Sleep well every night
Nurture your Serenity

Another system is H.A.L.T. , which is an excellent tool as well. The idea is to ask yourself the HALT question... Am I

Hungry

Angry

Lonely

Tired

If I am, then I need to HALT and take care of these factors before I continue any outpouring of compassionate care toward another.

The most powerful thing we offer those in pain is grounded presence and witness. We needn't have expert advice. We need not fully understand every nuance to a person's particular grief.

If we stand with the grieving and are mindfully present to them in a moment of agony, we have been all of what another normal human needs when they are heavy with grief. And the more self-care you mingle with the care of others, the more likely you are to find years of meaningful service to your peers in grief.

PS: I forgot to mention this, but central to my own focus of bereavement support is a belief that it is a privilege and an honor to enter into this sacred moment with another person. I become a richer human being for my contact and connection with a bereaved person. In this way, I enter - not as an expert or a leader - but a compassionate presence and a learner. I will often say things like, "Tell me about your beloved..." - or - "Tell me about your loss..." and allow the person to dictate where our conversation goes. Their story has power and I serve as a witness to their story. In a world that does not listen, much less listen to the bereaved, I believe that this is a powerful gift to share.

Love,
Kim

The Contagious Visual Expression of Mourning

2011-05-04T22:38:00.000-07:00

There may never have been a time in western history that had such an expression of grief and mourning as the Victorian period. And no person that had such a singular impact on the visual and cultural expression of mourning as Queen Victoria.

It is such a striking impact never seen before or since in recorded Western history. I was lead to ask: why did this woman at this moment have so much influence on the culture and the appearance of grief?

My study of the queen has led me to a few conclusions that I would like to posit. I am not an expert on Victoria or British history, but my study yielded impressions that I am willing to share and explore with you.

I will first explain why I think Victoria had such great cultural influence and then look at precursor events in Victoria's life that shaded and contoured her approach to grief, discuss the grief she demonstrated for over 40 years and then draw some conclusions. In this way, the examination will not be a chronological or linear treatment of her life, but a circular one that aims to explain her impact on the mourning culture of the western world.

Queen Victoria's Wedding

I think this is the place to begin with Victoria's influence on a grief culture. Certainly her intense love and affection for Prince Albert opened the door to her pain upon separation by death. Further, and more it the point of this query, her marriage ceremony to Prince Albert was paradigm-shifting for the culture of her time, thus setting the stage for her sphere of influence.

Up until this time, weddings among the ruling class were often in the early evening, small (close family members) with the bride and groom wearing their best clothing – no new garments were acquired. This meant that often brides wore black, crimson, blue – but not white. White was sometimes, in fact, thought of a funeral color in that time period.

Victoria, perhaps inspired by her new-found love, imagined something totally unseen and unknown by her contemporaries. She planned and produced an afternoon wedding that had pageantry and procession, was large in scale and attendance - and – she wore a white gown specifically made for the occasion. Such passion, spectacle and innovation, as witnessed by the upper class who attended the festive wedding, must have captured people's imagination. Thus it came to be that Victoria became every young woman's role model for the dream of romantic love and marriage (and every mother's standard for showing how cultivated and refined their family was.)

I suspect that this innovative wedding deeply imprinted on the cultural psyche and set the stage for people to think of Victoria as the person to watch for trends in a way that no other royal had achieved. Perhaps the influence she created continued to take the culture with her into her deepest grief, which lasted over 40 years.

Precursors to Understand Victoria's Approach to Grief

There were two early influences on Victoria that stood out to me as causal. One - Victoria's father died when she was 8 months old. Though she was too young to comprehend the loss, I would anticipate that this could have shaped her home life and psyche in a powerful way. Two - Victoria's mother was very controlling. Victoria was watched 24 hours a day and never allowed to be alone. She was even forced to sleep in her mother’s room. Though Victoria did not like this, it may have caused her to learn how to be independent of mind whilst habituated to having constant companionship.

Victoria finally became liberated and happy when she married her cousin, Prince Albert of Saxe-Coburg-Gotha. They bore 9 children together. She was adoring of Albert, they were constantly in connection, the precedent of constant companionship having been set by her mother, but now happily realized with Albert. She went, in a flash, from a miserable childhood to an ecstatic young adulthood.

A Grief to Influence all Grief

At forty-two years of age, Victoria’s young husband quickly contracted and died of typhoid fever. Victoria's mother had died just months before Albert.

She wrote to her daughter Victoria: "How I, who leant on him for all and everything—without whom I did nothing, moved not a finger, arranged not a print or photograph, didn't put on a gown or bonnet if he didn't approve it shall go on, to live, to move, to help myself in difficult moments?" This is a telling statement – the woman who had never been alone, who had found a simpatico partner to enjoy constant companionship with – was now, for the first time - very, very alone.

The Queen turned her grief and mourning into the sole focus of her existence for three years. She immediately donned black and dressed her entire court that way. Albert's rooms were maintained exactly as when he was alive. Servants were to continue all tasks related to the Prince without interruption as if he were alive. She had statues made of him, displayed mementos of his around the royal palaces, and she spent most of her time secluded in Windsor Castle or in Scotland where she had enjoyed happy times with Albert.

After the first year, her mourning came to be viewed as obsessive, and was aggravated by Victoria's refusal to appear in public except on the rarest occasions. But, society was watching. And taking their queues from Victoria. They may not have seen much of her, but what they did see became quickly assimilated into the community.

Intricate traditions were quickly established. A widow was to remain in mourning for over two years. Full mourning, a period of a year and one day, was represented with dull black clothing similar to Victoria's. A woman who was in mourning was not allowed to exit her home with the exception of attending church services. Isolation, similar to Victoria's, became the standard.

Mourning attire became a way to show the wealth and respectability of a woman. Like the Queen, some went so far as to dress their servants for mourning. Middle and lower class women would struggle to keep pace by dying dresses black and then bleaching them out again. An industry of mourning was invented by tailors who are thought to have started rumors concerning the bad luck of recycling funeral attire.
The color black best represented the Victorian act of mourning. Victoria dressed in black an the world seemed to follow. Some have posited that black, for the Victorian, symbolizes the absence of light and life. It certainly served as an instantly recognizable sign that a loved one had died.

In 1901, with the death of Queen Victoria, England seemed to rise out of mourning with her passing. Women were no longer dictated to follow the strict Victorian code of visual and behavioral etiquette. However, many of the conventions survive, even to this day.

In America, the change in mourning had been forced before Victoria’s death. The Civil War, from 1861 to 1865, left approximately 618,000 dead. Twice as many Southern soldiers died than Northern and practically the whole population of the South was in mourning. So many women were dressed in black that the governor of Mississippi tried to pass a law banning Victorian mourning garb because of the low morale of the people.

My sense of Victoria is that she projected her great, epic love into her environment with such visual and cultural innovation that she captivated a society that watched her and followed her all the way into her great, epic grief.

Perhaps no singular person has ever changed the interface of visuals and grief to the extent that Queen Victoria did.

Love,
Kim

Short Film On Dying

2011-05-02T13:36:00.000-07:00

"Love and Fear" - New York Zen Center for Contemplative Care from On Being on Vimeo.

Love, Kim

The Power of Expression in Grieving

2011-04-26T08:48:00.000-07:00

These things bear repeating until we learn them like a childhood song.

Ancient wisdom and modern science both encourage us to be expressive when we are grieving.

MRI (magnetic resonance imaging) research reveals that the brain’s blood flow changes with emotional stress. Blood flows away from the left side – the logic, detail and language center. It flows toward the right side, where feeling, symbols and imagination reside.

Perhaps the body needs more than logic and language during stressful events.

There is a story about the children who survived the 2004 Indian Ocean tsunami and their residual terror of the ocean. For months, nothing counselors did could pierce the children’s fears of the waves. Finally, they had the children draw simple pictures of their experience. At the end of the day, the children spontaneously held hands and joyfully ran into the ocean waves together, thus reclaiming the ocean through the power of their drawings.

A UCLA study found that putting feelings into simple words has therapeutic results. When we are stressed a region of the brain called the amygdala is activated thereby initiating many protective biological functions. Neuroimaging indicates that by simply saying a descriptive word about the upsetting feeling you can lightly tap the brakes on those biological responses, making the feelings more physically manageable.

This is similar to ancient “mindfulness” techniques – which are simply the practice of paying attention to what is present and allowing thoughts and sensations without passing judgment or reacting. For example, saying, “I feel angry,” “I feel fear,” or “This is peace.” The result is a “centering” effect.

When you are in a wave of grief, consider simply saying, “I grieve,”, or “My grief is like….” Also, try to take time to do a simple drawing about your grief. You need NOT be an artist to do this.

Here are a few descriptors some people have used:

My grief is like…

… a never-ending stairway, endless closed doors, a mountain range, pounding waves, a marathon, a labyrinth, a house of mirrors, a maze, a vacuum, an octopus, a desert without water or companions.

… a thief, being stalked by a murderer, a tornado, an earthquake, broken bones, boiling, burning, a minefield, shattering glass, a knife, a bomb, being thrown off a horse.

… a river, a cloud, fog, an onion, a heavy blanket, being lost, shadows, marbles hitting the floor.

By selecting one word or description and speaking and/or drawing it, you have become armed with simple art and simple words. You begin to unlock your grief and move toward your healing. Remember: Your story has power.

Love, Kim

Art is Moving - Take 5: Art Break Day 2011

2011-04-25T19:58:00.000-07:00

Love, Kim

Simon and Garfunkel - Bookends

2011-04-21T18:20:00.000-07:00

Love,Kim

The Widow's Gates

2011-04-20T18:02:00.000-07:00

They may have discussed marriage or been engaged. They may have been life partners because they could not formalize a legal arrangement. They may have made a heart contract. They may have been together months or decades; lived together or separately.

And then their beloved dies.

These grieving people often express a different kind of grief. Without a state endorsed ceremony and license, the world of widows and widowers appears to them to be a gated community, walled by two pieces of paper – a wedding license and a death certificate. And it is their perception that this gated community keeps them out.

Despite the derivations, one common thread remains – that the word “widow” or “widower” could be challenged if they were to define themselves thus. But there is no existing word for them.

Many have reported that they feel their grief is devalued. Others have lost shared resources, wealth, and relationships. Some have even lost access to children.

The term “widow” and “widower” is code. It stands for the level of personal disruption and hardship a death creates, as well as the measure of the bond and heartache. Since all terms are slippery, the term “widow” or “widower” never will tease out, for example, the surviving partner that secretly wished the partner dead or the spouse that had an affair and was about to leave the marriage only to be slowed by illness or death.

I undertook study of the word “widow” in it's historical context in search of better understanding. As with all research projects, you begin with an intuitive hunch that may or may not bear out. In this case, there are multiple points of interest to bring to the table.

To know what the word widow meant historically, you have to start with what marriage meant historically.

Marriage in Western civilization has a circuitous history, chiefly influenced by Roman, Hebrew, and Germanic cultures.

Marriage is, unfortunately, not easily summarized. From an anthropological perspective, it appears that all cultures view marriage as an absolute necessity. All cultures pressure healthy persons to marry and bear children. Many cultures have gone so far as to have laws that penalized the unmarried and childless.

While generalities are hard to distill, throughout history marriage consisted of a personal agreement that did not involve government or religion until very recently. Marriage was generally conducted as business arrangement between families.

These soft boundaries in relation to marriage also resulted in soft boundaries in relation to widowhood.

The Judeo-Christian influence on our modern society is undeniable. It is interesting to reconstruct our early ancestors understanding of widowhood.

Greek term translated "widow" (chera) means "bereft" and conveys a sense of suffering loss or being left alone. The term chera is not limited to a woman whose husband has died. It is understood as a woman that was left desolate, forsaken, abandoned and empty.

The Septuagint is the Koine Greek version of the Hebrew Bible, and was written in stages between the 3rd and 2nd Centuries BCE in Alexandria.

The Septuagint's treatment of 2 Samuel 20 includes a story about David taking ten women as his concubines. He put them in ward, fed them, but never had sexual relations or saw them. So they were shut up unto the day of their death, living each day in “widowhood” - the root of “widow” being the greek word chera. This passage demonstrates a completely different understanding of the state of “widowhood” – one where a husband was actually alive. The scriptures often use the term as to be left "desolate" or "alone". At this time in history, being alone was an especially difficult position because community was everything. There was no honorable employment for women, neither was there government assistance.

Since the outlook for women alone was bleak, the early Christian church began to propose that it was a virtue to assist them. The emerging Christian ethos can be seen in James 1:27, where the treatment of widows was a test through which believers demonstrated the genuineness of their faith.

Chera - “widowhood” - was not limited to a husband's death, nor was it limited by religious or legal constructs around the partnership. A widow could be a woman who lost her partner through divorce, desertion, imprisonment, or especially death. If she marries or remarries, she is no longer a “widow” because she is no longer bereft.

Caring for such a woman was seen as a privilege and a manifestation of God's compassion.

Fast forward to Medieval Europe. The legalities of marriage had actually changed very little. Again, the most common kind of marriage was understood simply by the couple's living together for a time period.

It was in this context - in early part of the Middle Ages - that the root of our word “widow” starts to appear. The Oxford English Dictionary’s earliest citation is before 825 in the Vespasian Psalter: “Sien bearn his asteapte & wif his widwe.” (Orphaned is his son & his wife a widow.) Note the interesting use of the word orphan when the mother is still alive... again, these terms seem to have far looser perimeters than we assign to them. It also reflects a male-centric worldview.

The verb form appears in the Middle English period. From the 14th century Northumbrian poem Cursor Mundi: “Ik am nu widuit of mi spus.” (I am now widowed of my spouse.)

The Indo-European root -"widh" - means to separate, to be empty. The root in Latin is the source of the word: divide. These words imply a state of being rather than a legal condition.

The only sources historians have to determine the civilian histories of widows and widowers are surviving household accounts, personal wills and letters. Historical archives of letters and correspondence indicate that widows were sought after for marriage in Europe in the middle ages. Likely this reflects a motivation to increase power and wealth among families.

Chaucer's Wife of Bath was purported to have “husbands five”. King Henry VII's mother had four husbands. Some wills specified a requirement for their widows to “remain a widow” and not remarry. The Earl of Pembroke stated in his will "wyfe .. . remember your promise to me take the ordyre of widowhood as ye may be the better mayster of your owne, to performe my wille and to help my children, as I love and trust you." They had seven children.

If remarried, these women were no longer considered widows. This might further indicate that the understanding of this word implies that they are no longer left desolate, forsaken, abandoned and empty.

Fast forward to Colonial America. Since there were few courts or churches available... everyone, including aristocrats, were again back to getting married by living together and declaring themselves husband and wife. These were referred to as common-law marriages.

Today, surveys estimate that the marriage rate in the U.S. is half what it was at it's peak after World War II. Some sociologists posit that we are returning to a "pre-modern pattern" where upper-class people marry to protect their holdings while many others don't marry at all.

With a declining marriage rate as well as delayed or lengthened engagements, we are presented with a lack of words and language for a large population who have lost a significant life partner – people who have endured great personal disruption and hardship, who are immersed in, as I term it: a harsh grief wilderness.

Either the language can become more flexible or new words must be developed to give voice to many people who have loved deeply, committed fully and endured great loss.

Love, Kim

My Friend

2011-04-18T18:46:00.000-07:00

This is my beloved friend that the previous blog post was about. I am waiting to hear her news about her test... should be hearing tonight, I think.
Love, Kim

"Everyone in my Fable 3 game is dead but me..."

2011-04-17T11:09:00.000-07:00

"...what do I do now?"

I am wrestling with this question IRL (in real life). This is a painful post for me, I am weeping as I write this.

I am in a peculiar position for someone of my generation.

My closest intimates are now dead or may be facing a terminal diagnosis, save one. One of my two remaining intimate female friends is currently being tested for Enteropathy Associated T-Cell Lymphoma. If it is the lymphoma - only 20% of patients survive five years from diagnosis, even with treatment. She is only 38 years old.

I am undone by this possibility with regards to her. I care for her, she is a glittering and shining soul. She has many gifts to share with those in need, she has a delightful sense of humor - I love my friend.

I am prayerfully considering her. Being part of hospice for her if the tides sweep us in this direction. Results are being waited on.

Then, my thoughts turn to myself.

This is the stuff that people in their old age face. Not someone in my age bracket. At least not in this time in history. I am widowed. I lost meaningful access to my three step-children. I have had several close friends die from illness, accident or suicide.

So, I sit here, alone, in the beautiful mountains on a Sunday. On Monday, work will overtake me - droves of younger humanity will arrive for programming... programming having nothing to do with existentialism or loss. This morning the birds are a wild fury of food gathering, nest building and mating. I am alone with my thoughts.

I turn to Google.

Surely someone has written about losing all their loved ones. Where are my way-showers?

And I only run across this thread in a video gaming forum.

Now granted, I will go back an refine my search criteria. I entered the words "everyone is dead and gone." I need to refine my search to get more supportive data.

But this is still worth exploration. I am not a gamer. Being an outsider looking in works well for analysis.

How do gamers deal with everyone dying in a game?

How do game developers deal with everyone dying?

(You can click on the individual screen captures to make them larger. Click your back key to return to the blog post.)

Misspellings have not been edited.

First, we see such anger and desperate attempts to "fix" the problem. "The more I think about it the more angry I get." and "You can go back in time."...

And then the sad conclusion: "...you can only go back top remake the last decisions you made. it doesn't do anything for you."

Ain't that the truth. Maybe I could go back in time to my decisions and picked healthier people to associate with. To marry. To pour into. People who were not targets for accidents, who were not emotional and could not deal with the world on it's terms. People who do not succumb to cancer. But, it does nothing for me...

The thread continues and then one young gamer rants: "this has really anoyed me and i dont want to play it any more its a good game right up untill the end...."

I feel this way right now, in the present moment. I do not want to play any more. It was a really good game.... that is, until the end. This is not my end, not yet anyway. I do not get to purchase another game and trash this one. I am caught within the game. How do I watch everyone that I am close to die (and be on the possible threshold of losing yet another one) at such a young age? I have years ahead of me (maybe?). All the attachments that I have poured into to with dedication and with enthusiasm - are gone or may be gone soon.

I am not THAT old. I soon may have no one to remember any of my younger days with. No one that I told secrets to will wink at me when I am sixty and remind me of some part of my past. My past evaporates except what I can recall, draw out of myself. There is no rich past that will be added to by the commentary of my intimates. I may soon have no one to rehearse memories with and I am only about half way through a normal lifespan.

There is a questioning of the system - "should a year be 360 days?" (granted, this should be 365 days, young gamer, unless it is a play on the Xbox360 name). There is an expectation of the duration of the game. I admit to having the same expectation. Why is the game over before the expected time frame?

The thread continues with anger and problem solving suggestions to alleviate the woe - and then, boom, there it is:

Here are the words of a young gamer - "i made all the right and noble decisions. i kept my promises. and they fought along side with me. lives were lost. it happens. life goes on. but id rather re-establish a kingdom knowing a war was one than win a war and have everyone look down upon me anyways because of all i put them through and for not keeping my promises. i guess either way, people would have died. then again, its just a game. and im still alive."

I am taking it that the author meant to say "a war was won" not "one".... nevertheless, life goes on, I am still alive.

But what is being alive without connection?

And how, at my age, do I even begin to start all over again? I do not have the same possibilities when I was younger. We were all younger, crafting our lives. You do not get to go back. It does not work that way.

Will the remaining days of my life be spent missing so many people and longing for them and finding the future to be nothing but a painful deserted thicket of loneliness?

When game designers craft their stories, how they resolve this dead end, this closed off alleyway? This is not a game with zombies that regenerate and come back again. And there is a community inferred in the relationships in the game.

The thread continues, and at it's conclusion, we read this:

" all you have to do is sleep for a while and they should come back. you dont have to play the lute"

This is how the developers deal with the loss of your entire village. You just take a long nap. Then they all resurrect. You do not even have to play a lute.

I will have a second blog entry that goes beyond this mere series of observations. I do wonder what messages are being absorbed by our children about the nature of death through these subtle nuances within video games. The developers want satisfied customers who keep playing the game, hook others into the game and purchase Fable 4 when it is on the shelf.

Maybe our God, or the universe is not as concerned about having satisfied customers.

"Fable III" is an popular Xbox 360 and Windows franchise, selling more than six million copies. In "Fable III," players rally and fight alongside their people, ascend to the seat of power, and experience the true meaning of love and loss while defending their throne. In their quest to seize power and defend the kingdom, the choices players make will change the world around them, for the greater good or their own personal gain.

Fable III Xbox 360 was released in October 2010. You can find this thread by clicking HERE.

Love, Kim

Dealing with Death

2011-04-13T14:00:00.000-07:00

An interview with Roshi Joan Halifax...CLICK HERE

Love, Kim

A Widowed Friend's Photo...

2011-04-13T13:14:00.000-07:00

"Time is a Wobbly Healer"
by Tre Miller-Rodriguez
Love, Kim

2011-04-13T13:13:00.001-07:00

Love, Kim

2011-04-13T13:06:00.001-07:00

Love, Kim

Those With Partners, Pause.

2011-04-13T07:57:00.001-07:00

"Here's an exercise to understanding the loss of a life partner. If you have a partner... review this week of your life. How much the two of you:

- interacted with one another

- spoke to each other

- relied on each other

- had meals together

- laughed and cried with each other

- held one another.

NOW imagine the same week withOUT that person! That's what a widow/er lives every week, month and year."

DKE

Love, Kim

Grounding Technique for Panic Attacks

2011-03-30T16:46:00.000-07:00

I get asked about tools for panic attacks about 2x a month, so I thought I would post this, as a peer and colleague and not a therapist. Please comment and add your knowledge to the discussion.

Grounding as a Method to Address Panic Attacks

Self-care becomes important when we are grieving. We are the best expert to take care of ourselves and provide ourselves what we need.

You can take care of yourself when you feel a panic attack coming on. You absolutely can have the knowledge and tools to keep yourself settled and calm.

Please read this thoroughly. You may want to print out these instructions and keep them available.

The Idea Behind This Technique:
As the name implies, "grounding" is a particular way of coping that is designed to "ground" you in the present moment. In doing so, you can retain your connection with the present moment and reduce the likelihood that you slip into a state of panic, flashback or dissociation. In this way, grounding may be considered to be very similar to mindfulness.

General Instructions:
To ground, you want to use the five senses (sound, touch, smell, taste, and sight). To connect with the here and now, you want to do something that will bring all your attention to the present moment.

To Begin:
Sit or stand with both feet firmly on the ground. Say to yourself: "I have everything I need to get through this feeling." Repeat that a few times.

3 deep breaths at the beginning and end of the exercise. Remember, if someone is lightheaded or hyperventilating they should breathe in and out into a paper bag 10 times.

Then start the 5's... Specific Instructions:

* 5 Sounds:
Listen for 5 discrete sounds that are different and identify them. For instance: a fan, a dog barking in the distance, the refrigerator humming, your own breathing and crickets chirping. And as a result, your attention will be directed to that noise, bringing you into the present moment.

* 5 Sensations:
Touch 5 discretely different surfaces - look for warm, cold, rough, smooth - forcing you to stay in touch with the present moment.

* 5 Smells:
Smell 5 discretely different odors - fruity, floral, green, spicy, herbal - forcing you to stay in touch with the present moment.

* 5 Tastes:
Taste 5 descrete tastes - sweet, sour, salty, cold, hot - tastes can force you to stay in the present moment.

* 5 Sights:
Take an inventory of 5 things around you. Connect with the present moment by verbally listing 5 things around you. You could identify 5 colors you see. Count 5 pieces of furniture around you. Taking an inventory of your immediate environment can directly connect you with the present moment.

(Personal note: I used to wake up in the middle of the night with panic. I had two plastic pill sorter trays by the bed. One had tastes in it: salt, sugar, cocoa powder, cinnamon and vanilla powder. One had cotton balls in with different scents in each compartment. This way I could use the 5's right at my bedside. I would sit up in bed, swing my feet over and place them firmly on the ground, open my bedside drawer and pull out my trays and then start my routine.)

Essential oils are great and you can keep on hand to help relax if panicking: specifically lavender and neroli. Clary sage can help relax someone (don't use with alcohol). Lavender is definitely the cheapest alternative and easiest to procure.

That is a start - this system, given to me by my best friend who is an EMDR therapist, absolutely worked for me...

Blessings...
Kim

My First 100% Widowed Grief Workshop

2011-03-28T19:17:00.000-07:00

I have just signed on to be a presenter at Camp Widow for a 2 1/2 hour workshop.

This is my first 100% widowed participant workshop. While I have done many mixed groups before, this is a specific population.

If you have lost your life partner, you know a very intimate grief. I invite you to listen to the stirring in your heart and say YES! to exploring your "evolving bonds"...

Here is my proposed workshop:

Creativity and "Evolving Bonds" Workshop

In a safe, boundaried and accepting environment we will explore our relationship with the departed as a one of "evolving bonds."

This hands-on workshop will guide participants in expression made tangible by creating a simple tryptic paper collage. In the creative act, your unique and "evolving bonds" can be experienced, expressed and integrated. Time to process your creative piece will be included in the workshop format.

All skill levels are welcome. After all, you bring the material of importance with you, it is already inside you. Low-mess, though please dress comfortably to be creative.

Camp Widow™ 2011 will be held at the San Diego Marriott Hotel and Marina in San Diego, California from August 12-14, 2011. I can arrange discounted registration fees.

CLICK HERE FOR THE CAMP WIDOW WEBSITE

Love,
Kim

TEE SHIRTS

2011-03-08T22:12:00.001-08:00

TEE SHIRTS by expressivearts featuring beach hats

Sonnet 29

2011-03-07T18:48:00.000-08:00

"When in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes

I all alone beweep my outcast state,

And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries,

And look upon myself, and curse my fate,

Wishing me like to one more rich in hope,

Featured like him, like him with friends possessed,

Desiring this man's art, and that man's scope,

With what I most enjoy contented least;

Yet in these thoughts my self almost despising,

Haply I think on thee, and then my state,

Like to the lark at break of day arising

From sullen earth, sings hymns at heaven's gate;

For thy sweet love remembered such wealth brings

That then I scorn to change my state with kings."

- William Shakespeare

Love,
Kim

2011-03-03T03:31:00.001-08:00

Them that die will be the lucky ones...

2011-03-01T14:29:00.000-08:00

SOURCE: Robert Louis Stevenson's Treasure Island

I have been trying out concepts of opposites recently. It may be merely an exercise to get relief from the monotony of my days in grief. Or it may be because what I am using to stabilize myself during my grief will only work so far... and then I am left adrift.

So, I am trying to get new moorings.

I normally feel that death is the enemy. After decades of repeatedly having intimate and untimely deaths I have always felt at odds with death.

Now, I have been toying with the opposite concept, that of death as friend. Trying it on for size. I am not sure what I think of this, but I am walking with it.

That may be too harsh or difficult for some. I will excuse you from reading further if this is too difficult. That is not my intention. I am only speaking right now to those of us that are flexible enough right now to try and consider another way of thinking.

Maybe death is a grace of some sort. Before now I would not even bend to consider how this might be. But I am opening myself to this conversation. And I am asking how this might be plausible.

THINK - Having the body falter and slowly decline without death seems like a progression with no mercy. To have a body that continues to deteriorate or be traumatized without being able to offload the physical self, to separate the body and soul so that the soul is free from suffering - it does seem wrong, somehow. In this way I can step back from having to insist that death is wrong.

Not that I agree with our society's view of aging, but Brian did not like aging. Aging is not for the timid of spirit. I have thought several times that there was a very small mercy in Brian not having to face years and years of his body wasting away. I have some physical problems that require my endurance and I would not wish it on anyone.

Existentialism often breeds productivity. Death makes things more acute. More stark and contrasty. It forces us to kick our living into a higher gear.

I am looking at my own mortality and asking how it informs my living. I have no progeny to carry on my blood line. I have no great reputation to outlive me. So what does it mean to me that I will someday soon be gone?

It means I take in my surroundings. I linger in conversation. I treasure things that I never was patient over before. And I work a lot to leave on this planet some legacy - some development of a culture more equipped to face death than when I landed on this planet.

I do not know if this post will make sense to anyone except me. I wonder if I will read it later and feel that it was a bit irrational. No matter. I release the post into the ether. I am waiting for a deeper revelation of things. And, I include you among my trusted friends to go there.

Love,
Kim

2011-02-27T15:23:00.001-08:00

Love,

2011-02-27T08:31:00.000-08:00

Love,
Kim

Day 31 of the 31 Day TLC Pledge

2011-02-14T11:36:00.000-08:00

Beloveds...

Today, I am getting my massage later. I have decided to make some "I love you" calls to people that I think could use it, knowing that it will benefit my spirit as well to do so.

What ways are you showing love for yourself and others who need it today?

I Love You!

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!

Day 30 of the 31 Day TLC Pledge

2011-02-13T13:46:00.000-08:00

TO DOs!
A to-do list on Valentine’s Day:

1. Eat something special (For me, Vietnamese Pho)

2. Listen to your favorite music (For me, Sarah McLachlan seems good right now)

3. Take a luxurious bath or shower (It will have to be a shower, but I will get something special for the shower)

4. Buy yourself a flower (I will go and see what is pretty, I am not a huge rose fan, I like more relaxed flower forms)

5. Order food in (I will order a Chinese Wonton Salad to be delivered)

6. Watch my favorite movie (For me, I think I will watch "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button")

7. Read a favorite poem or prose (For me, Mary Oliver)

8. Dress in something that makes you feel good (For me, it is my smocked top and pant outfit)

Hope you are working on YOUR list.

Day 29 of the 31 Day TLC Pledge

2011-02-12T14:28:00.000-08:00

I am still sick!

I am going to get a chair massage today, to add to my self-care plans.

Since my brain is so fuzzy with being congested, I will merely share with you what I am meditating on today:

"You do not do the work of changing," says poet David Whyte. "You feed and nourish your longing in whatever way you can and then the longing does the work."

What are you doing to feed and nourish your longing? If your longing is for the departed one in your life, what can you do to feed and nourish that space?

Love,

Day 28 of the 31 Day TLC Pledge

2011-02-11T16:48:00.000-08:00

We are so close to Valentine's Day - it is winding down...

I am struggling with a really bad cold. So my posts have been mostly poems because I am on Nyquil and it makes me stupid. Taking care of myself right now = sleep, kleenex with LOTION, aloe vera saline gel for my nose, tea, dvds, youtube, instant messages and more sleep.

So, I humbly offer a great poem for me today:

Go hang yourself, you old M.D.!
You shall not sneer at me.
Pick up your hat and stethoscope,
Go wash your mouth with laundry soap;
I contemplate a joy exquisite
I'm not paying you for your visit.
I did not call you to be told
My malady is a common cold.

By pounding brow and swollen lip;
By fever's hot and scaly grip;
By those two red redundant eyes
That weep like woeful April skies;
By racking snuffle, snort, and sniff;
By handkerchief after handkerchief;
This cold you wave away as naught
Is the damnedest cold man ever caught!

Give ear, you scientific fossil!
Here is the genuine Cold Colossal;
The Cold of which researchers dream,
The Perfect Cold, the Cold Supreme.
This honored system humbly holds
The Super-cold to end all colds;
The Cold Crusading for Democracy;
The Führer of the Streptococcracy.

Bacilli swarm within my portals
Such as were ne'er conceived by mortals,
But bred by scientists wise and hoary
In some Olympic laboratory;
Bacteria as large as mice,
With feet of fire and heads of ice
Who never interrupt for slumber
Their stamping elephantine rumba.

A common cold, gadzooks, forsooth!
Ah, yes. And Lincoln was jostled by Booth;
Don Juan was a budding gallant,
And Shakespeare's plays show signs of talent;
The Arctic winter is fairly coolish,
And your diagnosis is fairly foolish.
Oh what a derision history holds
For the man who belittled the Cold of Colds!

Ogden Nash

What would be a good poem for YOU today?
Love,

Day 28 of the 31 Day TLC Pledge

2011-02-10T09:55:00.000-08:00

Nurture
By Maxine Kumin

From a documentary on marsupials I learn
that a pillowcase makes a fine
substitute pouch for an orphaned kangaroo.

I am drawn to such dramas of animal rescue.
They are warm in the throat. I suffer, the critic proclaims,
from an overabundance of maternal genes.

Bring me your fallen fledgling, your bummer lamb,

lead the abused, the starvelings, into my barn.
Advise the hunted deer to leap into my corn.

And had there been a wild child—
filthy and fierce as a ferret, he is called
in one nineteenth-century account—

a wild child to love, it is safe to assume,
given my fireside inked with paw prints,
there would have been room.

Think of the language we two, same and not-same,
might have constructed from sign,
scratch, grimace, grunt, vowel:

Laughter our first noun, and our long verb, howl.

What nurturing pouch will you make for yourself today?

love,

Day 27 of the 31 Day TLC Pledge

2011-02-09T21:48:00.000-08:00

"NEEDS AND NURTURE" by Kate

I wait in this dark and silent place
With no air, no space
In which to spread my smothered roots,
Pungent and stale the earth
In need of the season of re-birth.

Suddenly - movement - someone is near,
Perhaps my stifled cries to hear,
A rush of air and into the light,
Gentle hands lift, caress and weave
My stems, my arms, my leaves.

I am laid down into warm new soil -
Fresh, moist- gradually I uncoil
My tangled roots, reaching out,
I am cocooned, touching virgin loam
Which surrounds me in this new home.

In return for kind nurture I reveal rewards
Of heart-shaped leaves, stems like swords,
Bell-like blossoms swinging, ringing in
The vibes of my joy at being given
The chance to survive, to grow and go on living.

What will you do for yourself today to grow and go on living?

love,

Day 26 of the 31 Day TLC Pledge

2011-02-08T02:49:00.000-08:00

Today, I am prompted to think more on the body because I am fighting off the cold that has nailed everyone here. I was one of the last to catch it - which is telling me that my self-care is good. Someone who is grieving who has a good immune defense - that is a signal that I am taking good care of myself. Now, this cold has finally tried to move in, causing me to need rest and supplements.

How does your body communicate with you? How often do you pause to really listen to the messages your body sends you?

Your body can offer you two types of intelligence:

* Signals and indications about what is healthy.
* Intuitive information and guidance about direction and choices.

Sometimes your body speaks in an increasing volume and you still ignore the messages. You might notice a vague discomfort or, you forget to listen to your body’s signals until you finally get sick or are too exhausted to function.

Admittedly, you might not want to listen. If you are invested in busy - ness and stress, you might actually resent your body's limitations.

Can you rebel without paying a dear price?

Every day, hour and minute we can engage the wisdom that our body offers. Once you make the commitment to being mindful, you will find that pain and anxiety decrease. Your body will not have to talk so loudly!

What signals have you been ignoring? Pause and listen to your body right now. What do you need? It might be as simple as a glass of water or as life changing as a new vocation.

Remember, listening to your body is being loving to yourself.

Today's Suggested Intention: I will check in with my body often today and listen to it's wisdom.

Today's Suggested Action: Look for a time to take a nap or at least rest in a deep way for 20 minutes.

What was your action today?
Love,

Day 25 of the 31 Day TLC Pledge

2011-02-07T10:01:00.000-08:00

Vaga Luma

This is a final project - a proposed website (yet to exist) for experiential sharing and preservation of memories from the user's deceased family members, relatives and friends, an interactive gallery of remembrance and immortalize.

This project is intended to illustrate how private, personal memories become perceptible, alive with color, sound and motion, and show the connections between a deceased person and the memories his loved ones have from him.

You can view a live demo of this project in English or Hebrew on Vimeo. SEE THE VIDEO HERE.

Today - think of how you can bring creativity to your remembrance and act on it!

See her website HERE.

Love,

Day 24 of the 31 Day TLC Pledge

2011-02-06T14:33:00.000-08:00

WOW!

Day 24!

It is moving along - when you count the days in this way time seems to be flying! We only have 1 week to go for Valentines Day.

Today I became aware of how being indoors in the winter means you have stale air around you. You breathe the same air over and over and it goes through a furnace and is dry and - STALE.

I decided that despite the weather conditions that I would spend some time outdoors, deeply and slowly filling my lungs with fresh air.

As if the universe was anxious to meet me, the winds today have been really high powered! I kept watching to make sure a tree branch did not fall on me.

This process reminded me of the most simple elements of life - food, water, air, shelter (warmth). These elemental things make up the life that we lead, yet we are often distracted by layers of noise.

Today's Suggested Intention: I will meditate on whatever is fresh and healthy and new that I can introduce into my day.

Today's Suggested Intention: I will breathe outdoors again before the sun sets, getting some fresh air into me to nourish me.

What will you do today to nourish a healthy body?

Day 23 of the 31 Day TLC Pledge

2011-02-05T10:03:00.001-08:00

I love the idea of associating light with our beloved's departure. It makes my sorrow feel both seen and touched in some symbolic way. In the darkness of winter, creating lanterns as a group, family or by yourself to symbolize our departed loved ones can be a good process to engage in for a ceremony of remembrance.

Day 1: using a mix of glue and water, paste white tissue paper over the bottom part of balloons.

They dry over-night in a dry place where drips are ok.

Day 2: Add colorful tissue paper with another application of glue.

Again, drying overnight.

Day 3 (or whenever completely dry): Once dry, cut the balloons out.

Then punch two - four holes along the edges, string yarn through the holes and then tie the yarn to sticks, for carrying.

When you want to use your lantern in the evening, you can either use a regular garden-variety tea light OR if it is:

-- windy
-- you are walking with your lantern
-- children are involved
-- you will leave the light unattended for any time

you will want to use an LED tea light, for safety.

Today's Suggested Intention: I will remember the light that Brian shed in my life today and cherish it.

Today's Suggested Action: To make a lantern of Brian's favorite colors to remember him.

What will YOU do today to remember the love and bring a symbol to your memory?

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

From my iPhone

2011-02-05T09:38:00.001-08:00

I am trying to get all mobile blogging features going... this is a way to male life easier for myself... Stay tuned for today's post.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Virtual

Day 22 of the 31 Day TLC Pledge

2011-02-04T21:11:00.000-08:00

Many of us, when grieving, can be also suffering from residual physical conditions because our bodies have endured a shock. I, for one, had a great deal of adrenal fatigue from running as I took care of my dying husband and did not sleep hardly at all for about a month.

One can start to knit one's body back together again from adrenal fatigue. Simple changes such as more laughter (increases the parasympathetic supply to the adrenals), small breaks to lie down, increased relaxation, regular meals, exercise (avoiding any highly competitive events), early bedtimes and sleeping as long as one can whenever possible - can all benefit those experiencing adrenal fatigue.

A diet that would be conducive to treating adrenal fatigue includes one that combines unrefined carbohydrates (whole grains) with protein and oils (nuts and seeds) at most meals—olive, walnut, fiber, flax and high-quality fish oil. It is also important to eat regular meals, chew food well, and eat breakfast. Avoid any hydrogenated fats, caffeine, chocolate, white carbohydrates, and junk foods. Diets should have a heavy emphasis on vegetables.

Today's Suggested Intention: I will think on how I am treating myself through my diet.

Today's Suggested Action: I will menu plan for the next few days and make sure I am taking in good, healthy foods.

Day 21 of the 31 Day TLC Pledge

2011-02-03T09:00:00.000-08:00

A MOVEMENT VACATION!

Our "monkey-mind" can take us on trips that we do not enjoy. These thoughts can make us physically ill, emotionally raw and spiritually depleted.

My Brian used to say that he needed a vacation from himself. At those moments he would do something totally different, even if it was only for a moment, to break the chain of mental fixation that he suffered from. He was a driven perfectionist - and I learned a lot from him about taking little "mini-vacations"!

Today's Suggested Intention: To consider how I can flow as prompted by music and be transported for a few moments.

Today's Suggested Action: I will dance to at least 1 song in my house today - maybe more.

Day 20 of the 31 Day TLC Pledge

2011-02-02T21:43:00.000-08:00

MOVEMENT!

Sometimes the winter weather can make us sedentary. So can grief, so when they are coupled we can become as still as stone.

Sometimes, particularly if we were caregivers or have others that we need to care for, we push our bodies beyond reasonable limits and we may even take risks physically.

The commitment to move in a centered way will serve us. Some religious traditions use bodily movement as a metaphor for the spiritual and psychological movement that we are to engage in during the task of living.

If you have been too still or pushing yourself too hard physically, think about what it would mean to move bodily in a way that cares for yourself.

Today's Suggested Intention: I will think about how movement is integrated into my well-being.

Today's Suggested Action: I will take a walk around outside for 5 minutes every 2-3 hours.

Love,

Day 19 of the 31 Day TLC Pledge

2011-02-01T11:38:00.000-08:00

Winter makes everything dry! The heat and cold is so drying. We can feel parched. This can mirror our hearts and souls. We can feel neglected, needing nurture.

My feet are often ignored. They can crack and bleed in the winter months. If my feet are in good shape, I know I am doing a good and thorough job of self care.

Perhaps you have a part of your body that is the last to receive attention. Your cuticles? Your teeth? Your skin? Your diet?

Whatever it is, when we are grieving - many of these parts of ourselves become neglected.

Here are a few prompts:

Drink more water than you think you need to today.
Stay away from lotions that contain alcohol. Even though they might smell great! They can foster increased dryness.
Self-administer regular stimulation to your skin with self-massage and generous quantities of oil and moisturizing lotion.

Men and women both might find a moisturizing mask helpful in the winter months:

Mask for Dry Skin
1 egg
1 teaspoon of honey,
1/2 teaspoon of olive oil
Mix the ingredients thoroughly and use as a mask.

Today's Suggested Intention: To look myself over to see if I am neglecting parts of my body and it's well-being and to consider what I can do to care for this part.

Today's Suggested Action: To make a mask and take 10 minutes to get some relief to my skin.

Love,

Day 18 of the 31 Day TLC Pledge

2011-01-31T09:44:00.000-08:00

LIGHT FOR THE JOURNEY

Winter is dark in most places. Intermittent light might punch through gray skies.

I have seen an upturn in anxiety among the grieving people I connect with... I think the holidays and the aftermath are large influences and the upcoming holiday as well. Some have important dates in their loss stories that mingle in these days. But the snow. The deep and relentless snow! And the sky. And the early nightfall. All these and many other factors conspire to make us feel heavy and anxious and full of pain.

Light is a common symbol in numerous religious traditions, and that is no accident. Light gives us a sense of safety. It helps us immeasurably. Our ancestors had to think a lot more about light that we moderns do. So, to take time to consider light is something rare for most of us.

We have chosen to take a pledge

Not with words but with actions

Not with a nod of assent but in behavior

Not in thoughts but in deeds

We will give up our darkness today

To light a candle

We will give up our fear today

To provide home for the part of us that is destitute

We will give up our anxiety today

To see the ourselves have moments of peace

We invite light to break out around us

on us

in us

Light will go before us

We will find our joy in the light

We will mediate on the image of a well-lit path

We will be called repairers of broken lanterns

Together we will bask in light

Today's Suggested Intention: I will focus on any place where light is radiating wherever I go today as a symbol of hope in winter.

Today's Suggested Action: I will light candles or a fire or get full-spectrum light bulbs and get as much light into my space as I can.

Love,

Day 17 of the 31 Day TLC Pledge

2011-01-30T09:05:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I had a very long talk with someone. We've only been working together for a few days, she is a longer-term employee than I... and she recounted how she struggled over many bumps both professionally and personally.

The main thing missing from her descriptions of her life and the harsh encounters with death and loss - was a sense of any good divine order to things. That there was some overarching good purpose to anything. For this young woman everything was random. And that made this world pretty difficult to negotiate.

She said that she could "believe" when things were going right. She is taking baby steps (as everyone should), and there is visible progress in her life.

No one can ever say they know what the future holds, but it is pretty reliable to assume that there are many more lessons to be learned. Our discussion ended with some sense of stepping into a mystery of life that included harsh moments rooted within an overarching positive purpose. I asked her to experiment with considering what it would mean to believe in some grander sense of benevolence. I will enjoy seeing what she does with these ideas.

Today's Suggested Intention: To walk through this day believing in myself and something larger than me that is in control with a benevolent purpose.

Today's Suggested Action: Getting to bed at a reasonable hour and taking extra C vitamins to bolster my immune system...

love,

Day 16 of the 31 Day TLC Pledge

2011-01-29T09:12:00.000-08:00

Welcome!

So far a few of us have been on a 31 day pledge for taking care of ourselves with the knowledge that Valentines Day is coming.

We have 17 days left and some people from the Open to Hope website may be joining us!

We are a group of bereaved people who are going to work through a personal pledge. Many people who are grieving find this holiday to be very difficult. The person that they love, to whom they would both give and receive loving acts, is now gone.

Our lives can seem more empty of both giving and receiving when a loved one has died. This can be extremely hard on us. Often the decrease of physical contact alone is enough to make us feel deprived.

That is what this pledge is about – we are going to increase the giving and receiving, first toward ourselves, knowing that we need more TLC in this time, and knowing that eventually we will pour out love towards others again.

We are pledging to love ourselves and treat ourselves with the self-same love that our departed loved one would have given us – or perhaps even better. Whatever this means to you. The love that we have shared with our departed loved ones still exists out in the universe, even if it is no longer in the corporal form that we are used to experiencing it in.

For those of you that are farther along in your bereavement, I am going to challenge you a little harder... if your bereavement is fresh or complicated, you have permission to do the reduced plan.

For the next 17 days DAILY we will do 5 things:

1. Commit to being mindful of love for yourself.

2. Manifest one act of loving kindness daily for yourself (whatever you wish it to be).

3. Deflect negative thoughts about any belief that your life lacks love.

4. Speak kind words to yourself and say three things that you are grateful for about yourself.

5. Take time to work on a personal plan for Valentines Day that will provide you with pampering and loving self-care.

Here is an example:

-- My intention today is that I will mindfully will call myself “sweetie”, as my beloved Brian often called me that.

-- My act of kindness to myself will be that I often have to talk a lot, so today I have committed to using few words, letting others figure things out and being more still. I will let the others around me know that I am doing this today so that they understand my use of few words.

-- When I find myself judging my appearance I will think of myself as “cute” and sweetie”, as my beloved Brian would refer to me that way. I am grateful for my feet (which have been called cute), my hair which is fun to play with and my eyes which are dark and interesting.

-- My plan for Valentines Day is to find an affordable but quality therapeutic massage service because I miss the physical affection that Brian always gave me, so I will continue to research this and try to make an appointment early.

If you need a reduced plan, for 17 days, will you do 2 things:

1. Commit to manifesting love for yourself.

2. Take time to work on a personal plan for Valentines Day that will provide you with pampering and loving self-care.

Each day I write a short mediation on mindful love toward yourself. You can write on your blogs or in the comments on my blog about what you are trying, how it is working and how you are planning to love yourself on Valentines Day or whatever else you want us to read.

WILL YOU TAKE THE PLEDGE?

IF SO, SIGN UP! CLICK HERE TO TAKE THE PLEDGE!

Love,

Day 15 of the 31 Day TLC Pledge

2011-01-28T09:38:00.000-08:00

I work with a personal coach - I have been doing this for a little over a year. We talk on the phone for about an hour every other week. I decided to do this to keep on track with the things that I want to accomplish before I die. In this way, I am constantly addressing things to make sure I do not get too far off track. It is like having a touchstone. It helps me not drift too far.

Daily blogging about self-care has also really been like a touchstone. It has kept me from veering too far away - and there is a blessing to this. YOU are what helps me stay on track with caring for myself in a time of grief. Thank you...

I wanted to also let you know - this program is going to be posted tomorrow on the Open to Hope website. If you do not know this website - it is a great resource to support grieving people.

We could be getting a few more people joining us here. My post tomorrow will reflect that. Let's hope some newly grieving people come to join in on loving and caring for themselves!

Today's Suggested Intention: I will remember what it was like in the first months of my loss... I will care about that young widow that was numb in the summer of 2008.

Today's Suggested Kind Act: I will write a letter to who I was in the summer of 2008 and sit with it for a time. I will be the future me speaking hope to the past me.

Love,

Day 14 of the 31 Day TLC Pledge

2011-01-27T09:23:00.000-08:00

I want to make some affirmations out loud to you all:
*I trust myself
*I will live IN peace ON earth
*I forgive myself
*I will respect my grief
*I will affirm my progress as being an inside job with occasional input from the outside
*I AM PRICELESS and WORTHY- my beloved thought so, and I must grow in this belief

Today's Intentions: I intend to stay present in the moment

Today's Kind Act: I will speak loving words to myself

What affirmations will you make today?

Love,

Day 13 of the 31 Day TLC Pledge

2011-01-26T09:05:00.000-08:00

"The snow goose need not bathe to make itself white. Neither need you do anything but be yourself." - Lao-Tzu

Women (from my generation, anyway) are pressured culturally to be out-of-body and non-authentic. One of my favorite books that gives analysis to this fact is the book "Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls". If you have never read it - I highly recommend it.

The author’s thesis- for many girls, transitioning from young adolescence to young womanhood involves no longer living to make yourself happy, but living to make others happy so they will accept you.

Up to age 10 or 11, most girls live in whatever way makes them happy. Playing sports. Excelling academically. Not putting much importance into their appearance. But, when they enter high school, that all changes. They suddenly encounter cultural forces which force them to adjust their lives to be accepted by their peers. They have to give up living to please themselves, and instead live to please others.

I see myself in this book, but not so much so that I am crippled by the culture. I. thankfully, received a lot of freedoms and liberation that was afforded to me by an unconventional family and my own spirited personality.

Today's Suggested Intention: I will ponder things that make me happy today.
Today's Suggested Act: I will pursue one of those "happy" things.

Love,

Day 12 of the 31 Day TLC Pledge

2011-01-25T09:31:00.000-08:00

Learn to value yourself, which means: to fight for your happiness. - Ayn Rand

I have had at least two realizations manifest so far. These seem to be the important ones for me.

The first is I have let fear of people's opinions about my grief walk upon my heart.

The second is that I can trust myself to act reliably about my grief.

I have to stay authentic if I ever truly wish to grow, much less lend a hand to anyone else. I sometimes get afraid and give my energy to the past instead of fully trusting the present. Sometimes I would like to seem like I am dealing, so that others are not inconvenienced or react poorly to me. AND - Let's face it, the present does not look-so-good so why not go backward to sunnier times?

But this path continues whether I am looking at what is here now or burying my vision in the past.

I am worthy of walking in love, peace and kindness.

Today's Suggested Intention: I intend to walk through this day KNOWING my worth and EMBRACING it.

Today's Suggested Kind Act: I'm focusing on the sky today. I am asking to look at the sky often, partly because it is where I imagine all the supernatural love resides and partly because it helps me remember my small, but honored place in the large scale of things.

Love,

Day 11 of the 31 Day TLC Pledge

2011-01-24T09:29:00.000-08:00

I have decided that I'm not doing much today. I am staying present and not getting caught up in noise.

Today's Suggested Intention:
I intend to be love and allow love to wrap itself around me gently and just BE.

Today's Suggested Kind Act: I am going to find stillness.

You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love & affection. ~Buddha

Love,

Day 10 of the 31 Day TLC Pledge

2011-01-23T10:59:00.000-08:00

We find ourselves on a day ten "sabbath" (at least, for catholic and protestants) in the 31 day pledge. I have had a few bumpy moments - but in service to the pledge I was thinking of self care first, and it helped a great deal. My past was largely defined by self depreciation. More recently, I had healed major portions of this dysfunction and had experienced greater freedoms, but struggled as everyone does with the many roles I was asked to fill or volunteered to fill. The role of wife and mother is by nature a self-less role. My career as an event producer also often took a front seat to my caring for myself and my personal needs. Brian's career was demanding of both of us as well, there were many times that I was bringing him a dinner at 11 pm at the studio. The big kahuna was when I was primary caregiver of my dying beloved - this meant EVERYTHING went on the back burner as he needed me to help him peacefully cross over. It was my sacred responsibility.

I must admit that there have been a few times I've wanted to put myself on the back burner over these last 10 days just to make someone else satisfied. But, right now, it is okay to want to put me first sometimes. Mindfulness helps. It's teaching me to shift my priorities right now - it won't be forever, and soon enough other things will creep up that need to be given greater priority.

I've seen how I:
1. allow guilt to motivate my self-neglect
2. have a growing appreciation for giving myself attention and care
5. can encounter a God who will lead me into greater self-care

Today's Suggested Intention: I intend to be creative for an hour or two today.

Today's Suggested Kind Act: I'm NOT going to entertain guilt!

Love,

Day 9 of the 31 Day TLC Pledge

2011-01-22T13:31:00.000-08:00

Another irony of this current setback with the apartment is that due to my temporary lodging I have really unreliable access to the "internets"... making this blog a challenge! I have decided to laugh about it, to take it with humor and in stride... because... well it is a choice. I am a volunteer in this blog of the TLC challenge, so I will do my best.

The role of a volunteer is how I view most of my roles in this life. I was a volunteer in my relationship with my beloved Brian, I was a volunteer to be his caregiver as he was dying. I am a volunteer to love and care about his 3 kids. I am a volunteer at work - I could depart if I wanted to... I am a volunteer in my relationships with my family and friends.

I volunteer to laugh about it all today. Laughter operates on at least three different levels. They are: the biophysical, the biochemical, and the bioenergetic levels. Research indicates that laughter can help counteract the destructive, negative health consequences of chronic stress. Laughter can effect the lymphatic system and oxygenates your organs.

Today's Suggested Intention: I intend to laugh as much as possible.

Today's Suggested Kind Act: I will spent 10 minutes reading one of my favorite funny authors.

What will you do today to place a smile upon your face, my friends?

Love,

Day 8 of the 31 Day TLC Pledge

2011-01-21T10:57:00.000-08:00

The irony of how challenged I am right now with my own self care is not lost on me... everything that was supposed to support me (a nice apartment) went haywire and I am still trying to get stabilized!

So - how can I lead others in a march toward Valentine's Day in a focused way to incorporate their own greater self-care...?

I just do it because I made the commitment to do it - these days are nothing more sophisticated than that!

St Augustine said something that I have loved for a long time - he said: What does love look like? It has the hands to help others. It has the feet to hasten to the poor and needy. It has eyes to see misery and want. It has the ears to hear the sighs and sorrows of men. That is what love looks like.

Today's Suggested Intention:
Today I intend to speak 3 things I love about myself out loud. (Hoping no one overhears and thinks I am arrogant!)

Today's Suggested Kind Act: I will spend a couple dollars on iTunes to add calming music to my collection.

I look forward to your thoughts!

Love,

Day 6 & 7 of the 31 Day TLC Pledge

2011-01-20T10:21:00.000-08:00

This transition has really challenged my self-care! To say the least. (Snort) I have lost a whole box of toiletries, and was running around without deodorant yesterday and this morning until I could get to the market. My hair looked more crazy without my hair products to manage the mane. And my breath - I did not have my trust mouthwash. If your body is a temple - m y temple was stinky! All the bodily things were more animal, as I was struggling to land somewhere with two cats who were stressing. Thankfully, I had some Rescue Remedy for the cats to calm them - it is like chamomile tea for cats. Where was MY chamomile tea??? I see that I treat my cats better than myself. Last night the urge to simplify everything that is working me over. If I can say "wait" I will say "wait". If I can say "please help me" I will. I have collapsed 2 days so that I am now caught up on the blog. Thanks for your patience.

Today's Suggested Intention::
I am going through this day being content with my life, home, and body (eek!) just as they are now. Smelly or no.

Today's Suggested Kind Act: I found an affordable massage place that looks professional and nice. Today, I'm going to make that Valentines Day appointment for a massage!

What are YOU doing today to take care of your temple?

Day 5 of the 31 Day TLC Pledge

2011-01-19T10:38:00.000-08:00

SELF CARE BOOT CAMP TIME!

The apartment I was trying to get into ended up being unacceptable. One night in apartment and could not sleep. There was a loud random snapping, tapping, knocking and groaning noise throughout the entire ceiling. Not just one place - it was everywhere. I can only guess that it is an entire second floor structural problem, not just the people above me or a heating unit that was causing the ceiling to emit sounds varying from once a second to once every 2 minutes.

The landlord checked it out and is giving a full refund of rent and deposits. Thankfully the landlord was ethical and respectful and did not try any weasely arguments.

Therefore, I had to move all my things back out - I am in temp housing in a whole different area of southern California...

What did self care mean in this situation?

Not forcing myself to trying to adapt and adjust to the noise.
Reasonably assessing the problem and determining that there was no "quick fix".
Advocating for my basic needs without being pressured into compromising my well being.
Asking and expecting reasonable responses from people.

So, I am a little off track - if I have time later today I will post suggested actions... so please be patient with me!

Day 4 of the 31 Day TLC Pledge

2011-01-17T10:53:00.000-08:00

I'm driving over 300 miles today - a perfect opportunity to use this alone time to place my undivided attention on myself. I'm going to listen to my favorite music and think - meditate. I'm continuing my practice of allowing my body to relax and keeping my mind clear of negative self talk. I keep going back to the fact that my beloved Brian used to take better care of me than I did myself, and how I can start living up to his standards of my self-care.

Today's Suggested Intention:
I intend to allow myself to go through this day in self love, reflecting on how I can care for myself as well as Brian cared for me.

Today's Suggested Kind Act: I will treating myself to have a dinner delivered tonight.

What will you do today to center yourself?

Love,

Day 3 of the 31 Day TLC Pledge

2011-01-16T06:15:00.000-08:00

"If you want inner peace find it in solitude, not speed, and if you would find yourself, look to the land from which you came and to which you go." - Ewart L Udall

The next three days are a big transition for me.... I am moving! I will try and post tomorrow's post early of I can, so as not to miss it. If I miss it, I will cut myself slack. Peace is what I desire and I know without a doubt I will have it.

Things are changing in my world and though I'm not sure what the end of this life story will be, I do know I'm going to live it fully.

Today's Suggested Intention:
I intend to allow myself to go through this day walking in self love, peace and joy.

Today's Suggested Kind Act:
Though I will be under pressure and running, I am watching the sunrise now and I will stop to watch the sunset tonight, as a gift to myself.

How about YOU?

Love,

Day 2 of the 31 Day TLC Pledge

2011-01-15T04:41:00.000-08:00

Do you ever suddenly awaken to your body and realize that you are braced and clenched? Stretching, mindfulness and affection seems to be effective in relieving this physical state, but after a few hours I would notice I'm tense again. I need to increase in mindful attention of how I'm treating myself and how I have reacted to my loss. My body does not deserve the lack of attentiveness. Throughout the day whenever I notice myself tensing up I immediately need to correct it.

Today's Suggested Intention: To be mindful of my body and allow it to be at peace, as it deserves.

Today's Suggested Kind Act: I deny myself the joy of a long bath. I will figure out a time to take one.

How are you treating yourself today my friends?

Want to take a pledge to participate? Click HERE.
Love,

Day 1 of the 31 Day TLC Pledge

2011-01-14T07:11:00.000-08:00

"True love is like your shadow. You carry it with yourself until you are gone."

What would it mean to you to consider this as true:

Any love that you ever received or experienced is still with you, inside of you and is a part of who you are intrinsically? What would your life look like if you were to believe this? Would it look any different?

Could any love that you received, imperfect or near-perfect - could this love teach you how to move toward yourself in deeper ways?

Today's Suggested Intention: To be mindful and relax as I take a moment to remember a loving moment I have experienced.

Today's Suggested Kind Act: I am going to call one friend today just for fun, to enjoy my relationship with them. When I call them, I am going to simply say to them "This is an 'I love you call'."

What are your kind acts today to yourself, my friends?

Want to take a pledge to participate? Click HERE.

Love,

THE 31 DAY TLC PLEDGE

2011-01-13T18:06:00.000-08:00

Welcome!

For the next 31 days myself and a lovely group of bereaved people are going to work through a personal pledge. Valentines Day is coming. Many people who are grieving find this holiday to be very difficult. The person that they love, to whom they would both give and receive loving acts, is now gone.

Our lives can seem more empty of both giving and receiving when a loved one has died. This can be extremely hard on us. Often the decrease of physical contact alone is enough to make us feel deprived.

That is what this pledge is about – we are going to increase the giving and receiving, first toward ourselves, knowing that we need more TLC in this time, and knowing that eventually we will pour out love towards others again.

We are pledging to love ourselves and treat ourselves with the self-same love that our departed loved one would have given us – or perhaps even better. Whatever this means to you. The love that we have shared with our departed loved ones still exists out in the universe, even if it is no longer in the corporal form that we are used to experiencing it in.

For those of you that are farther along in your bereavement, I am going to challenge you a little harder... if your bereavement is fresh or complicated, you have permission to do the reduced plan.

For the next 31 days DAILY we will do 5 things:
1. Commit to being mindful of love for yourself.
2. Manifest one act of loving kindness daily for yourself (whatever you wish it to be).
3. Deflect negative thoughts about any belief that your life lacks love.
4. Speak kind words to yourself and say three things that you are grateful for about yourself.
5. Take time to work on a personal plan for Valentines Day that will provide you with pampering and loving self-care.

Here is an example:

-- My intention today is that I will mindfully will call myself “sweetie”, as my beloved Brian often called me that.
-- My act of kindness to myself will be that I often have to talk a lot, so today I have committed to using few words, letting others figure things out and being more still. I will let the others around me know that I am doing this today so that they understand my use of few words.
-- When I find myself judging my appearance I will think of myself as “cute” and sweetie”, as my beloved Brian would refer to me that way. I am grateful for my feet (which have been called cute), my hair which is fun to play with and my eyes which are dark and interesting.
-- My plan for Valentines Day is to find an affordable but quality therapeutic massage service because I miss the physical affection that Brian always gave me, so I will continue to research this and try to make an appointment early.

If you need a reduced plan, for 31 days, will you do 2 things:
1. Commit to manifesting love for yourself.
2. Take time to work on a personal plan for Valentines Day that will provide you with pampering and loving self-care.

Each day of the 31 days I will write a short mediation on mindful love toward yourself. You can write on your blogs or in the comments on my blog about what you are trying, how it is working and how you are planning to love yourself on Valentines Day or whatever else you want us to read.

WILL YOU TAKE THE PLEDGE?
These friends did:

(Linky Tools wants PayPal and I have a problem making PayPal purchases due to something silly that happened over a year ago. So, no more linky. :( )

Love,

haiku: death

2011-01-12T06:29:00.001-08:00

autumn left me bereft

in a dress of dried petals

waiting for winter

-Francesca Lia Block

love,

Senseless Death

2011-01-10T09:12:00.001-08:00

Christina-Taylor Green's tragic death at the tender age of 9 is dumbfounding for us all.

When we learn of a tragedy, like the gunning down of Christina-Taylor Green, a whole nation mourns in confusion. Even though her death is external to our own system of intimate connections, it can still trigger many complex emotions and struggles.

Greater minds than ours have been challenged by such senseless loss. The question of "why?" will reliably surface in the thoughts and conversations that ensue. This is a normal, human response. Usually, despite all the mind gymnastics we do in times of wrongful death, we all end up in the same place - we possess no true answers at the most fundamental level. Great philosophers, spiritual leaders, psychologists - we all join together in a human realm of unknowing. If there were true answers, we would all have gotten the memo by now.

In looking at numerous biographies and reading many accounts of individual's encounters with tragic loss - I only have one observation to share, one that has kept me anchored and grounded in the midst of many personal encounters with tragedy.

And that is - when the impulse arises to ask "why", to take the next step and press into the major "why" questions of your own life.

The major themes of life could be summarized as: Who am I, why am I here (why do I exist?) and what am I to do with the life I have been given?

To seek some good virtue which we can commit to in this present life and make it our goal is a fitting tribute to those who have died wrongfully. If one were to work toward a personal commitment to establish enduring peace, internally and externally, personally and corporately - this would serve to honor those who have lost their lives to senseless violence. It is the only power that we possess in our choiceless state. But, it is a great power. It is the power of how your story and my story are wrapped with her story and many others who have left this earth far too soon.

What personal commitment could you make to establish enduring peace?

Love,

In Memory...

2011-01-10T06:45:00.001-08:00

Remembering...

-Christina-Taylor Green, 9.

-John Roll, 63.

-Gabriel Zimmerman, 30.

-Dorwin Stoddard, 76.

-Dorthy Murray, 76

-Phyllis Scheck, 79

All Souls Day

2011-01-07T16:15:00.000-08:00

by Chris Johnston

Love,

2011-01-07T16:12:00.001-08:00

2011-01-07T16:11:00.001-08:00

Add caption

5 Mindfullness Techniques for Grieving People

2011-01-06T14:24:00.000-08:00

Still Water
We can make our minds so like still water that beings gather about us, that they may see, it may be, their own images, and so live for a moment with a clearer, perhaps even with a fiercer life because of our quiet.
- W.B. Yeats

Grief is a boot camp for the soul. It can be a choice-less and restless interface with death. When we resist the reality of death, as we all do at one moment or many, we also resist being mindful. We are full of fearing that being present with death and grief will be much more painful.

Mindfulness practitioners will offer the insight that resisting our pain deepens our pain.

What can manifest when we resist our pain? There may be emotional riots from within. The inner wisdom that we have been taught to distrust will reliably refuse to back down though we attempt to mame and cripple it. So, inner wisdom shows itself in a crippled fashion, perhaps in the guise of panic attacks, physical malady, sleep disturbance, rage, dissociative behavior, crisis, abusive self-medicating or other insults to the body, mind and spirit. The mind can become tormented – as the Buddhists characterize it – the “monkey mind”.

I want to offer 5 simple mindfulness techniques to grieving people.

I should state that I am not a specialist, I am a peer with you on this journey. These techniques worked well for me early on, and they still reliably aid me today. I need to preface this by saying that when you practice mindfulness, it is best to leave self-judgment behind – there is no “right” way to be mindful. If you start with generosity of spirit toward letting go of results, you will fare better.

1. Color Mindfulness Walk

(If you have any medical history with complications of mobility – consult a physician first.)

Take a 5 minute walk – preferably out of doors, preferably slowly. Before you start walking, stand for a moment in place and feel your feet both firmly planted on the ground. Raise your chest and pull your shoulders back to open yourself to the environment around you. Begin to walk, as as you start to walk, think of your breath as your “home base”. Be aware of air coming in and going out. As you walk, look around you for primary colors. Locate green, red, blue and yellow. Check in with your breathing as you look for the colors. Thank each thing you see for hosting this color. Conclude your walk by noticing your breath.

2. Counting Sensations in Threes

For 5 minutes – listen for 3 sounds, look for 3 things, try to observe 3 smells, touch 3 textures and if you can, taste 3 tastes around you. This will bring you into a present state of attention. Thank each thing you see, touch, smell, taste and hear for hosting this element.

3. Candle Flame Affirmations

Items needed: candle, matches.

In a comfortable supported seat, focus on a candle flame and during an in breath say to yourself, “breathing in, I have arrived, breathing out, I am home” or “breathing in, I calm my body, breathing out, I relax”. Or develop your own sayings. They may be like the following:

I am open right now.
I sense my body right now.
I can notice when I am absent from myself right now.
I love myself right now.
I accept and embrace all experiences right now.
I forget judgments right now.
I am a friend to myself right now.
I sense my breath right now.
I feel my feet on the floor right now.
I am patient right now.
I am here right now.

4. Breath Work

(If you have any medical history with complications of breathing – consult a physician first.)

This technique is from the discipline of Tai Chi.

Sit with both feet firmly planted on the ground and in an upright and alert position that is comfortable.

Take 3 short inhales.

Let go of 1 long exhale.

Repeat this sequence five times.

5. Legs on a Chair Pose (Savasana)

(If you have any medical history with complications of movement – consult a physician first.)

Items needed: Chair, pillows for your comfort, towel or yoga mat if you are on a hard floor surface, eye pillow or scarf.

This is a classic resting yoga position. If you have an eye pillow or a scarf to put across your eyes, it is a nice aid to this pose.

The basics of this position is a posture of laying on the floor, support your lower legs on a chair seat. Sit down on the floor in front of a chair or couch with the seat of the chair/couch towards you. Start to lay back and swing or place your legs up and your body around so your bottom is towards the chair. When you are turned tail to the chair, settle your legs onto the chair's seat, making sure they are completely supported from the backs of the knees down to the feet.

Lay here as long as you are comfortable. Close your eyes, stay centered on your breath, and commit to the posture. When you are ready to come out of the pose, bring awareness back to the body, remove the eye pillow, draw the legs into the body and roll to one side. Linger here for a few breaths then slowly push up on your side.

This improves lymph drainage, venous return, and gives the heart a rest. It’s great for helping to lower blood pressure as well.

Try any of these exercises to start. As well, look for other people – individuals or a mindfulness community - to support you in your practice.

Love,

The Hero In Your Soul

2011-01-06T06:51:00.000-08:00

"Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach.

Check your road and the nature of your battle.

The world you desired can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it's yours."

- Ayn Rand

Love,

Post Trauma Recovery

2011-01-05T12:40:00.000-08:00

MSNBC.com on post trauma:

Some never recover. But most do. In fact, nearly two thirds of trauma victims, even those who had extreme pain, say they ultimately benefited from the aftermath of their experience, according to the research of Richard G. Tedeschi, Ph.D., professor of psychology at the University of North Carolina at Charlotte. Tedeschi and his colleagues have tracked outcomes for people who survived accidents and other traumas, such as life-threatening illnesses or the death of a child, and identified a phenomenon they call post-traumatic growth: Some survivors grow closer to people they love; others develop a sense of personal strength or appreciation for life. Still others deepen their spiritual beliefs or change their career and life goals. Women are more likely than men to report these benefits, and even those who are most impaired at first can find their way, as Ferganchick did, to feeling enriched by their ordeal.

What can these women teach the rest of us? As researchers learn more about what makes people resilient, they hope to develop therapies that could lessen negative responses and promote post-traumatic growth instead. “It’s not about getting over it‚ it’s about processing it in the most meaningful way,” Tedeschi says. “You still have your fears and grief and suffering, but you have made your suffering meaningful. If you can learn to do that, you can get through the bad stuff in life and find value in the struggle.”

Your Brain and Creativity

2011-01-05T12:35:00.000-08:00